Off Topic Jokes thread
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An ice cream van just caught fire on the M1.
The police are putting the cones out
The police are putting the cones out
I came home yesterday to find that my daughter had arranged five bottles of pro biotic yoghurt to form a pentagram on her bedroom floor.
I’m worried that she’s been dabbling with the yakult .
I’m worried that she’s been dabbling with the yakult .
A woman is cheated on by her husband.
She's devastated. She hears that there's a wise monk who lives up in a mountain. She decides to consult him.
After a few days of travelling, she meets the wise monk. "I spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to taking care of him. And now he has left me for another woman. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?
"Yes"- she answers.
"Do you want another one?"
"Sure".
The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever. Everything is finite. We should be aware of this and not be disappointed.”
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean stop eating biscuits you fat cow
She's devastated. She hears that there's a wise monk who lives up in a mountain. She decides to consult him.
After a few days of travelling, she meets the wise monk. "I spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to taking care of him. And now he has left me for another woman. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?
"Yes"- she answers.
"Do you want another one?"
"Sure".
The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever. Everything is finite. We should be aware of this and not be disappointed.”
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean stop eating biscuits you fat cow
Hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas ?
He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.......
He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.......
I have been training my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.
He may not be perfect but he knows the drill.
He may not be perfect but he knows the drill.
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."