Off Topic Jokes thread

The Proclaimers lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to s*it out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

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I saw Bonnie Tyler in the street today and offered her a Kit-Kat ..but she turned it down. Then I pulled out a Bounty bar...and she refused that also.....

I think she was holding out for an Aero.

 

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This Friday Scotland play Germany at a 66,000 seated stadium.

At the moment 33,000 seats have towels on them........