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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26241
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2023
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2023
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26243
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2023
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26244
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2023
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2023
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mates wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk.
    I asked him how he was coping.
    He said it's ok, he's been using powdered stuff
     
    #26246
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 25, 2023
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just been watching Women's golf on Sky. It's so much like real life...

    They're sh*t at driving but great with an iron!
     
    #26247
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 25, 2023
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
    “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
    “So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
    “Do I have to take them every day?”
    No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
    “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
    “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
    “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
    “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
    “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
     
    #26248
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 25, 2023
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #26249
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 25, 2023
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else.
    A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today,
    I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.
    I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
    When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
    Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
    Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
    Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"
    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
    Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.
    I want people to know why I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
    Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
     
    #26250
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2023
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26251
    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    #26252
    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    #26255
    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    #26256
    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    #26257
    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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    antipodean exile, Mar 26, 2023
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