Off Topic Jokes thread

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God" she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain".
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point" replied God "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away".
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic" she replied "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone". God thought for a moment and said "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Let's see... where did I put that useless tit?"

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly "I have something I must confess". "There's no need to "his wife replied.

"No" he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know" she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work".

 

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Bob" the mortician commented "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity". So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe" he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed "Bob is dead!"

 

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts "Yes, oi am".
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" The drunk answers "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Give me a Bud Lite". When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"
The guy says "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone". The bartender says "Oh! You're full of it!" So the guy says "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it. The bartender says "Dial 654-8967".
The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids. After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.
After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?" The guy says "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

 

Shucks Anti - I realised I was on the wrong thread, and edited it as quick as I could hoping no one would notice
Not quick enough eh ?!

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met.

 

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

 

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"