Off Topic Jokes thread

whats a cocaine addicts favourite type of joke?
a one liner

 

I was reading in the Daily Mail about how Britain will be flooded with Romanian immigrants next year, who are notorious for benefit scrounging and anti-social behaviour.

Who says immigrants don't integrate well?

 

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, there are dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and shags her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and shags her as well right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mum is pleasantly beaming.
But still . . . .total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. I'll do the sodding dishes!!

 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your coffin, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
>>> Albert said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
>>> Alec commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
>>> Derek said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the nine other directors seated around the table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,
“Have you ever shagged Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honestly, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her!”

 

With the tense stand off between Russia and Georgia, France's president today announced an unconditional surrender just in case!

 

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like
a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he
reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid
movement! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”

 

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Mary: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the fat pig give you?"
Donna: "Streaky Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Jonny: "Homework!"

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob's funeral is on Friday.

 

"OK I'm sorry, you win, I concede, I give up, I surrender, no more, have mercy, leave me alone."

If you'll pardon my French.

 

My wife is a bit of a tree-hugger, so she went ape **** when I ran over a frog.
I said, "Well I couldn't avoid him and it's not like they serve any purpose."
She shouted, "He was on a bloody bike and you're supposed to be driving on the right."

 

The main difference between French War memorials and British ones is that on British memorials 1939 - 1945 indicates the years they were involved in the war, as opposed to the time!