Off Topic Jokes thread

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks.

"No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."

 

Stormy Night



Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes.
A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely...

Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail..
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his piano, for it is here that he has always found solace.

He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master!...... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


(I am so sorry.....but you really
should've seen that coming !)

 

What do you call an Afghan virgin ?


Never bin laid on

 

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty pounds an hour."

She says, "How much for all night?"

 

What do Jeremy Clarkson, Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse have in common?

None of them are doing Top Gear anymore.

 

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total bollocks" I replied.

By text, from across the road.

 

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"