Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.
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Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.
He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks.
"No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes.
A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely...
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail..
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his piano, for it is here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!...... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am so sorry.....but you really
should've seen that coming !)
Auld fella walking alongside canal and sees a nine-year old lad fair crying his eyes out.
"Wot's tha cryin' fer, young un?"
Through sniffles and bawling, little lad manages to say "A've loss me mate. Me mate fell in t'canal" and point about tree feet in front of him.
"By 'eck" says fella and without further ado, strips off his jacket and shoes then jumps into the canal. After few minutes he splashed to side and says, "'Ow old was tha mate?"
By this time, lad had stopped howling and watched the auld fella fair dumbstruck. "Wot's that mean, 'ow old?"
"Thy mate" said fella, "'ow old were 'e? Wor 'e a big lad?"
Little lad scowled at the old man, "Nah! Tha daft bat. Not me mate - me mate outa me saniches".
What do you call an Afghan virgin ?
Never bin laid on
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he stated. “I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children.”
To the first mother, Mary, he said: “You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, ‘Whisky’.”
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.”
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: “Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going home.”
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...
We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/hot?page=2#ixzz3U7PZS4ZO
A man had just had a severe heart opperation and as he was coming to a nun was holding his hand and gently patting it. We he opened his eyes she said, "I hate to ask at a time like this but do you have insurance?" "No mam, he replied."
"Well do you have enough cash to pay your bill?" "No mam," he replied again. "Do you have any relatives who can help you?" "Only a spinster sister who is a nun," he replied. "Oh," said the nun, "she is no spinster, she is married to God!"
"Well send the bill to my Brother-in-law," he replied.
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty pounds an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
A female dentist prepares a needle to give her male patient with toothache an anaesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the man says.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas, the man objects again.
“I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks him if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says,
“Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The man says,
“Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” she says,
"But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."
What do Jeremy Clarkson, Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse have in common?
None of them are doing Top Gear anymore.
Yorkshire demolition experts. Always looking for t'rubble.
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total bollocks" I replied.
By text, from across the road.
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when this really ugly looking guy walked into the bar.
She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum. Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your number, sexy.'"
I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
He smiled and said, "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'