When scientists said the Universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons, they forgot to mention morons.
My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?" "That's my new girlfriend." I replied. "Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet.
I was told that after a vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids anymore. Imagine my shock when I got home from the hospital, and they were still there.
For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together. This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go. Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up. ‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’ ‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom. On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want. So here I am.
