This bloke asked if he could use my field for a civil war re enactment. I thought, sod that for a game of soldiers......
Three people having sex is called a threesome. Two people having sex is called a twosome. Guess that’s why you’re people call you handsome.
I went into a antique shop to have a look round, I found a vase and went to pay for it I said to the young female assistant, "How much do you take off for cash?" She said, "everything except my ear rings".
Every morning I take my cow for a long walk through the vineyard. Yes, I herd it through the grapevine.
The Power of the English Language please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image 1 . If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times , does he become disoriented ? 2 . If people from Poland are called Poles , why aren't people from Holland called Holes ? Should a person who emigrates from Crete be considered an excretion? 3 . Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ? 4 . If a pig loses its voice , is it disgruntled ? 5 . If love is blind , why is lingerie so popular ? 6 . Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ? 7 . When cheese gets its picture taken , what does it say ? 8 . Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist ? 9 . Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites ? 10 . Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things ? 11 . Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one ? 12 . " I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language . Could it be that " I do " is the longest sentence ? 13 . If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted , musicians denoted , cowboys deranged , models deposed , dog trainers debarked , and dry cleaners depressed ? 14 . What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men ? 15 . Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office ? What are we supposed to do , write to them ? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ? 16 . You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive . 17 . No one ever says , " It's only a game " when their team is winning . 18 . Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water ? Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE 19 . Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ? 20 . If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that fifth one ENJOYS it ?
Fact of the day Did you know the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear who wrote telephone on hold music ?
If anything good comes out of Global Warming it will be that in a few years time Dancing on Ice won't be on the fu*ki'n TV.
Paddy says to his missus where you want to go on holiday this year ? She said what about the Canaries ?. Paddy replied "Don't worry, the neighbours will look after them".
A renowned arsonist passed away recently. His mother led the tributes by saying: "Wherever he went, he lit up a room.”
