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A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband. The obit editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 pence per word.
She paused, reflected, and then said "Well then, let it read "Angus Fraser died".
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thought it over and in a few seconds said
"In that case, let it read... "Angus Fraser died. Golf clubs for sale".
 
An 82-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her:

"What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied: "6". The judge said: "Then I will give you 6 days in jail".

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said "Yes, what is it?"

The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas".
 
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.


The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a litre."
 
I met an old classmate from school the other night and he's turned into a right big-headed bastard. Telling me about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car, then he pulls out a photo of his wife and says "Look what a beautiful wife I've got". I said "If you think she's beautiful, you ought to see my wife". "Is she a stunner?" he asks. "No" I said, "she's a f**king optician".


OddDog
 
Isn't science a wonderful thing? While cruising about in my trusty Ford, I heard an astounding piece of journalism. It centered around ****. I kid you not. And not just any old story about our human waste, but one where medical science may have uncovered a yahoo use for the stuff. Fecal Infusions.

Researchers from the Center for Genome Sciences and Systems Biology at the Washington University School of Medicine have found what looks like a serious lead in the fight against obesity. Turd Infusions. It seems that bacteria in the gut, when infused with the turd of a thin person, may lead to weight loss.

It seems to be an emerging fad. There is even online information available for those wishing to partake of the practice. To save time for those on the forum who want to take a crack at some weight loss, please refer to the list of requirements below.


50 Milliliters of a thin person's smelly, brown stuff.

100 Milliliters of saline.

1 Home enema kit.

1 Kitchen blender.


Cyclonic111
 
He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.

"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.

Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.

"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.

He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.

"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".

He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.



"There you go, it's not that ****ing hard doing the washing up....!!"
 
The Husband was sat in the Living Room using his laptop to update his will.

He called out to his wife, who was in the kitchen,

"When I die I'm going to leave everything to you Love!"


She yelled back;


"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"
 
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the theatre, he walked over and whispered "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat".

The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir, if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said "All right, what's your name, joker?"

"Joe" he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?"


"The balcony".
 
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.


They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
 
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?"

"You're a t**t" I said.

"What makes you say that?"

"That's my f**king beer you're drinking!"
 
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