Funnies

My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual breakfast of soft boiled eggs and toast. She still had on the old, baggy T shirt of mine that she used now and then to sleep in.

As I padded in, still half-asleep, she turned to me and said sultrily,

"You've got to make love to me right now."

My eyes lit up as I thought "Either I am dreaming or this is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her, pushing the T shirt up around her neck and lifting her up onto the kitchen table and gave it my all.


Afterwards, sweat dripping from my brow, she kissed me tenderly and said "Thanks" before returning to the task of preparing breakfast.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"


"The egg timer is broken." she replied

 

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter


how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
"BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

 

If a man says you are ugly then he is a mean bastard.


If a woman says you are ugly she is a jealous bitch.


If a child says you are ugly then you are......


UGLY!!

 

An old man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a young, very pretty female doctor.

She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say "99".

He obeys and says,
"99".

The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and, while I repeat the check, take a deep breathe and say,
“99".

The old man dutifully responds,
"99".

The doctor said, “Very good. Now I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, "99".



The old man begins, slowly, "One... two… three…"



(You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.)

 

A Farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,

"Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinkin watta frm theer, it's full o' hoss piss an cow ****e".


The bloke says "I'm from London can you speak bit slower please".


The Farmer replies "If - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

 

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours..?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it..?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father..?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'


'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Now quick, stick it in the camel and let's get the **** out of here..!'

 

Your partner isnt happy about you masturbating, do you think:


a) She should lighten up a little

b) You should leave her

c) She should sit elsewhere on the bus?

 

It has been scientifically proven that women can achieve satisfaction with only 3 1/2 inches....







It does not matter whether it is Mastercard or Visa

 

Five surgeons


5 surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a*sehole - and they are interchangeable'

 

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in- law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in- law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'It needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'

HE NEVER HEARD THE GUN SHOT.

 

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"I hear your brother is in prison."

"Yeah, for something he didn't do."

"Oh, what was that?"

"He didn't run fast enough."

 

I was in a pub in town the other week, when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."