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My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual breakfast of soft boiled eggs and toast. She still had on the old, baggy T shirt of mine that she used now and then to sleep in.

As I padded in, still half-asleep, she turned to me and said sultrily,

"You've got to make love to me right now."

My eyes lit up as I thought "Either I am dreaming or this is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her, pushing the T shirt up around her neck and lifting her up onto the kitchen table and gave it my all.


Afterwards, sweat dripping from my brow, she kissed me tenderly and said "Thanks" before returning to the task of preparing breakfast.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"


"The egg timer is broken." she replied
 
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out. Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.........



"OKAY OKAY!! I CAN'T PARK THE f**kING CAR! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
 
A policeman pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample". The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him".
 
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775 " he said. "Very good!"

"Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".

The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".

She heard a loud whisper: "f**k the Japs". "WHO SAID THAT? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up "General MacArthur, 1945".

At that point, a student in the back said "I'm gonna puke". The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".

Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh*t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said "Oh ****, we're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly "The Labour party if Scotland goes independent".
 
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter


how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
"BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
 
If a man says you are ugly then he is a mean bastard.


If a woman says you are ugly she is a jealous bitch.


If a child says you are ugly then you are......


UGLY!!
 
An old man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a young, very pretty female doctor.

She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say "99".

He obeys and says,
"99".

The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and, while I repeat the check, take a deep breathe and say,
“99".

The old man dutifully responds,
"99".

The doctor said, “Very good. Now I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, "99".



The old man begins, slowly, "One... two… three…"



(You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.)
 
A Farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,

"Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinkin watta frm theer, it's full o' hoss piss an cow ****e".


The bloke says "I'm from London can you speak bit slower please".


The Farmer replies "If - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!
 
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours..?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it..?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father..?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'


'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Now quick, stick it in the camel and let's get the **** out of here..!'
 
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite".

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
 
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman".

The priest said "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped".

The priest said "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box".

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
 
Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, he explained, the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now...' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'..........
 
Your partner isnt happy about you masturbating, do you think:


a) She should lighten up a little

b) You should leave her

c) She should sit elsewhere on the bus?
 
It has been scientifically proven that women can achieve satisfaction with only 3 1/2 inches....







It does not matter whether it is Mastercard or Visa
 
Five surgeons


5 surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a*sehole - and they are interchangeable'
 
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in- law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in- law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'It needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'

HE NEVER HEARD THE GUN SHOT.
 
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I was in a pub in town the other week, when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
 
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