Funnies

I know the feeling, I am so busy with walking the dog, playing games on the Xbox and PC, watching Posh, spending time with the family, watching films, reading books,
having holidays, I do wonder where I get the time to read these threads myself...........

 

Q: What do Essex girls use for protection when having sex?













A: Bus shelters

 

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday, after the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System, it can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate.
It's controlled by 12 super computers each one is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC.
It has over 15,000 state of the art optical location identification sensors, it contains enough circuit boards
to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fiber optic cable.
It cost over £100 million to develop." He boasted proudly.


"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.


"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

 

A man was dying, his wife was at his bedside.

He said, in a tired voice,
"There is something I must to confess."

"Shush" she said, "There is nothing to confess, everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother."

"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes."

 

Definitions:

Tension: Your wife is pregnant

Terror: Your girlfriend is pregnant

Horror: Your wife and girlfriend are both pregnant

Tragedy: When you are not responsible for either

 

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After 60, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas Tree?'

'Yes, the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

 

.

 

Silence is golden.....



Unless you have children,

then it is just suspicious

 

I'm going write a book about the difficulties of watching Pride and Prejudice dubbed into French.


It will be called L'Austen Translation

 

I was drinking at a bar the other night when a fat girl came over and started to flirt with me.

After a while she leaned in and whispered to me "Wanna know what I've been missing?"



Apparently "Exercise" was not what she was going to say.

 

I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.


Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?

 

Gordon Ramsey to one of his junior chefs:

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"


"I don't know Chef."


"BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T F****** COOK IT!"

 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love,
a little affection and a little tenderness?






It means you are in the wrong house.......