The English cricket team visited an orphanage today.
"It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6.....
"It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6.....
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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience".
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost". The student stops mid-aisle and stammers "Ghost ?!?
I thought you said GOAT !"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience".
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost". The student stops mid-aisle and stammers "Ghost ?!?
I thought you said GOAT !"
My wife packed my bags and, as I walked out of the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so you want me to ****ing stay now!"
"Oh," I replied, "so you want me to ****ing stay now!"
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks … “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks … “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will KILL me". His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty pound note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty pounds for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a hard time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty quid for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket".
She looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is forty pounds...?" "Ah, yes" says the man. "He shat in my trousers too..."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a hard time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty quid for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket".
She looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is forty pounds...?" "Ah, yes" says the man. "He shat in my trousers too..."
THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQ's.......
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's.
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat
and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...Well..... Almost good.....
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good....
It was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQ's.......
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's.
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat
and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...Well..... Almost good.....
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good....
It was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
Life is like a Penis.
Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely.
Then women make it hard.
Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely.
Then women make it hard.
Not quite sure whether this is genuine or photo-shopped. Made me smile either way..
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Just read in the local paper that the thief who's been stealing tee shirts in order of size, is still at large......
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery,
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London”
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London”
What have Man. Utd. and The Black Eyed Peas got in common ?
They are both useless without Fergie.......
They are both useless without Fergie.......
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What
the heck did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What
the heck did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrived at Glasgow airport.
The Customs Officer asks "Name?"
She replied "Angela Merkel."
"Occupation?" he asked.
"No just visiting."
The Customs Officer asks "Name?"
She replied "Angela Merkel."
"Occupation?" he asked.
"No just visiting."
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