Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2
- Thread starter Resurgam
- Start date
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I don't know how to make pics bigger but if you look in the bottom left hand corner, they are bringing the coffin out!
Knock Knock, Who's there? It's grandad! Not now grandad we're trying to get the hearse off the lorry!
The forestry commission advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.
The next day, a skinny little man showed up at the site with his axe, and knocked on the foremans door.
The foreman took one look at the little man, laughed, and told him to clear off.
"Just give me one chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. I won't let you down.
"Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the foreman, "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the foreman's door.
I cut the tree down," he said man.
The foreman couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the foreman.
The little man laughed and said, "Oh yeah, that's what they call it now!"
The next day, a skinny little man showed up at the site with his axe, and knocked on the foremans door.
The foreman took one look at the little man, laughed, and told him to clear off.
"Just give me one chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. I won't let you down.
"Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the foreman, "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the foreman's door.
I cut the tree down," he said man.
The foreman couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the foreman.
The little man laughed and said, "Oh yeah, that's what they call it now!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they would only be allowed to live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him.
You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be killed.
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought this should be easy
. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out laughing and was killed.
The first and the second man met in heaven later that day. The first one asked,
Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third bloke coming with 10 pineapples."
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they would only be allowed to live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him.
You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be killed.
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought this should be easy
. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out laughing and was killed.
The first and the second man met in heaven later that day. The first one asked,
Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third bloke coming with 10 pineapples."
A number of new inscribed tablets were found in Iraq following the invasion,
and recently some of these have been translated and found to be missing sections from the creation
story in the Book of Genesis.
This is one excerpt from the new chapters...
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What's wrong Adam?"
Adam said he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he would make Adam a companion and that it would be called 'woman'.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing
she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam looked to God and asked, "What will a 'woman' like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
So Adam though for a bit, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as we know is history.........
and recently some of these have been translated and found to be missing sections from the creation
story in the Book of Genesis.
This is one excerpt from the new chapters...
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What's wrong Adam?"
Adam said he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he would make Adam a companion and that it would be called 'woman'.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing
she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam looked to God and asked, "What will a 'woman' like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
So Adam though for a bit, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as we know is history.........
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Guy gets pulled over for speeding, policeman walks up and says "Right lets see your licence .
"Lost it " says the driver.
"How did you lose it?"
"Got done 3 times for drink driving"
"Right lets see the paper work for the car"
"Not mine I stole it"
"Who did you steal it from?"
"Some woman who gave me a lift"
"So where is she?"
"In the boot, I murdered her"
Time for back up thinks the policeman.
Two more police cars screech up, complete with an inspector our policeman tells them the drivers story.
"So you have no licence then" asks the inspector.
"Yes i have" he says and shows his licence.
"So it's not your car, you stole it?"
"No i did'nt , i have all the paperwork in the glove compartment"
"So what about the woman you murdered?"
"I did'nt murder anyone"
"What about the body in the boot?"
"What body?"
He opens the boot and it's empty.
The inspector calls over the policeman and questions him.
The driver shouts over " Don't take notice of that lying bastard. He'll tell you i was speeding next.
"Lost it " says the driver.
"How did you lose it?"
"Got done 3 times for drink driving"
"Right lets see the paper work for the car"
"Not mine I stole it"
"Who did you steal it from?"
"Some woman who gave me a lift"
"So where is she?"
"In the boot, I murdered her"
Time for back up thinks the policeman.
Two more police cars screech up, complete with an inspector our policeman tells them the drivers story.
"So you have no licence then" asks the inspector.
"Yes i have" he says and shows his licence.
"So it's not your car, you stole it?"
"No i did'nt , i have all the paperwork in the glove compartment"
"So what about the woman you murdered?"
"I did'nt murder anyone"
"What about the body in the boot?"
"What body?"
He opens the boot and it's empty.
The inspector calls over the policeman and questions him.
The driver shouts over " Don't take notice of that lying bastard. He'll tell you i was speeding next.
BREAKING: Luis Suarez has been ruled out for 3 months with a back injury.
Doctors believe its from carrying the Liverpool squad all season.
Doctors believe its from carrying the Liverpool squad all season.
My dad worked for Essex roadworks for 25 years then they sacked him for stealing , I didn't belive it...............but when i got home i saw the signs.
School teacher says to her class, "Can anyone give me a multi-syllable word"
Johnny sticks his hand up " Yes miss, Mas- tur-bate"
"Wow" says teacher "That's a real mouthfull"
"No Miss, that's a blowjob".
Johnny sticks his hand up " Yes miss, Mas- tur-bate"
"Wow" says teacher "That's a real mouthfull"
"No Miss, that's a blowjob".
[video]https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=996c59004b&view=att&th=13b1d70bf6d114d9&attid=0.1&disp=safe&zw[/video]
What a shot
What a shot
My wife caught me drying my knob and pubic area with her hair dryer this morning.
What the hell do you think you're doing she shouted?
I don't think "keeping your breakfast warm" was the right answer!
What the hell do you think you're doing she shouted?
I don't think "keeping your breakfast warm" was the right answer!
As I'd just turned 60, I went to my doctor for a healthy heart check.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or spirits?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rare cooked steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,..
Then, why do you give a ****?
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or spirits?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rare cooked steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,..
Then, why do you give a ****?
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care.
So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?
So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?
The Offside Rule Explained For Women
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. On a shelf behind the shop assistant is a pair of shoes which you have seen and really want to buy. The shopper in front of you has also seen them and is eyeing them up. Alas, both of you have forgotten your money.
You realise that it would be very rude to push in front of the first shopper if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant is standing behind the till waiting. A friend of yours is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and, seeing your dilemma, he considers throwing his own wallet to you. Now, assuming he does throw it, you will be able to catch the wallet, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch he could throw the wallet over the top of the first shopper and, whilst it is in flight, you could nip in front of the other shopper, catch the wallet and buy the shoes. Keep in mind however, that until the wallet has actually been thrown, it would be plain wrong to move in front of the other shopper.
<runslikehell>
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. On a shelf behind the shop assistant is a pair of shoes which you have seen and really want to buy. The shopper in front of you has also seen them and is eyeing them up. Alas, both of you have forgotten your money.
You realise that it would be very rude to push in front of the first shopper if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant is standing behind the till waiting. A friend of yours is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and, seeing your dilemma, he considers throwing his own wallet to you. Now, assuming he does throw it, you will be able to catch the wallet, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch he could throw the wallet over the top of the first shopper and, whilst it is in flight, you could nip in front of the other shopper, catch the wallet and buy the shoes. Keep in mind however, that until the wallet has actually been thrown, it would be plain wrong to move in front of the other shopper.
<runslikehell>