A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctors.
Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2
- Thread starter Resurgam
- Start date
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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, it makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
It's such an unfair world, when a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
I was sitting at the computer the other day filling in an online will, i called out to my wife,
"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you love!"
she shouted back "you already do you lazy bastard !! "
"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you love!"
she shouted back "you already do you lazy bastard !! "
Yet another arrest in the Savile scandal.
Morph from Take Hart.
Police reckon he's a Playdohphile.
Morph from Take Hart.
Police reckon he's a Playdohphile.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
>
>>Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has
>>author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the
>>garden. Here are some extracts....
>
>>Fifty Sheds Of Grey
>
>>We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
>>wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
>>was the only place for a good shed.
>
>>She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
>>"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
>>me."
>>So I took her to McDonalds.
>
>>She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
>>harder until finally it came.
>>I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
>
>>Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
>>and shackles.
>>She still manages to get into the shed, though.
>
>>"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
>>"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
>>"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the
>>shed roof."
>
>>"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
>>punished."
>>So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
>
>>"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
>>"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
>
>>I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
>>Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
>
>>"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
>>"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
>>receipt.
>
>>"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able
>>to sit down for weeks."
>>She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
>
>>"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
> "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
>
>>Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has
>>author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the
>>garden. Here are some extracts....
>
>>Fifty Sheds Of Grey
>
>>We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
>>wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
>>was the only place for a good shed.
>
>>She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
>>"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
>>me."
>>So I took her to McDonalds.
>
>>She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
>>harder until finally it came.
>>I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
>
>>Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
>>and shackles.
>>She still manages to get into the shed, though.
>
>>"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
>>"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
>>"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the
>>shed roof."
>
>>"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
>>punished."
>>So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
>
>>"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
>>"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
>
>>I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
>>Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
>
>>"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
>>"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
>>receipt.
>
>>"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able
>>to sit down for weeks."
>>She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
>
>>"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
> "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Susan,” he whispered. “Hush, my love,” she said.
“Rest. Shhh. Don’t talk.” He was insistent.
“Susan,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something I must
confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Susan.
“Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,
your best friend and your mother.”
“I know,” she replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Susan,” he whispered. “Hush, my love,” she said.
“Rest. Shhh. Don’t talk.” He was insistent.
“Susan,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something I must
confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Susan.
“Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,
your best friend and your mother.”
“I know,” she replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
Rodeo sex, having sex with your wife doggy fashion, then saying to her, "your sister likes it this way as well"! See how long you can stay on!!!!!!!
Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She’ll take him for better, she’ll take him for worse,
she’ll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he’s well and can get out of bed,
she’ll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind.
She’ll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She’ll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She’ll run away from him and never come back,
but if he runs away, then she’ll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Moods of a Man
Horny.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She’ll take him for better, she’ll take him for worse,
she’ll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he’s well and can get out of bed,
she’ll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind.
She’ll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She’ll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She’ll run away from him and never come back,
but if he runs away, then she’ll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Moods of a Man
Horny.
Isaac is on his death bed with beloved wife Esther sitting with him.
He says: "Esther, when I was 20 and I failed my driving test, you were by my side"...
Esther: "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "And ten years later, when our house burned down, you were there...by my side"
Esther: "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "And then when our shop went bust, you were still there, by my side"...
Esther: "Yes my love"
Isaac: "And when I slipped over and broke my leg last year, you were there, by my side"
Esther: "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "And now here I am...on my deathbed...and you're still here, by my side"
Esther "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "Esther?"
Esther: "Yes, my love?"
Isaac: "Esther, you're a f***ing jinx"...!!
He says: "Esther, when I was 20 and I failed my driving test, you were by my side"...
Esther: "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "And ten years later, when our house burned down, you were there...by my side"
Esther: "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "And then when our shop went bust, you were still there, by my side"...
Esther: "Yes my love"
Isaac: "And when I slipped over and broke my leg last year, you were there, by my side"
Esther: "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "And now here I am...on my deathbed...and you're still here, by my side"
Esther "Yes, my love"...
Isaac: "Esther?"
Esther: "Yes, my love?"
Isaac: "Esther, you're a f***ing jinx"...!!
A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded
about a table watching a little show. On the table was an
upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing,
they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in
anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before
a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“That’s strange,” said the duck’s former owner,
“Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
about a table watching a little show. On the table was an
upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing,
they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in
anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before
a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“That’s strange,” said the duck’s former owner,
“Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
Little Johnny is playing in the garden with his little friend Jenny
when she turns to him and asks if he knows what a penis is.
Johnny, unable to answer tells her to wait while he runs inside to
ask his dad. He bursts in through the front door to find his dad
laying on the sofa watching TV.
“Dad! dad, do you know what a penis is dad, do you?” Johnny demands of
his father.
The father stands, whips out his member and says “This, my boy, is
a penis and as a matter of fact it’s a perfect penis”.
Johnny dashes back out through the door into the garden to share
his new found knowledge with little Jenny.
“Did you find out?” she asks on his return.
“Yes I did” he gasps, still a little out of breath “here, I’ll
show you”
“There you go” he proclaims proudly, lowering his shorts to his
ankles, “That’s a penis...........and if it was two inches shorter it would
be perfect!”
when she turns to him and asks if he knows what a penis is.
Johnny, unable to answer tells her to wait while he runs inside to
ask his dad. He bursts in through the front door to find his dad
laying on the sofa watching TV.
“Dad! dad, do you know what a penis is dad, do you?” Johnny demands of
his father.
The father stands, whips out his member and says “This, my boy, is
a penis and as a matter of fact it’s a perfect penis”.
Johnny dashes back out through the door into the garden to share
his new found knowledge with little Jenny.
“Did you find out?” she asks on his return.
“Yes I did” he gasps, still a little out of breath “here, I’ll
show you”
“There you go” he proclaims proudly, lowering his shorts to his
ankles, “That’s a penis...........and if it was two inches shorter it would
be perfect!”
Dave goes into a bar and orders 5 pints and 5 double whiskys.
The landlord sets them up and Dave drinks them all in 20 seconds.
The landlord is stunned, “I’ve never seen anyone drink that fast!”
“You’d drink this fast if you had got what I have.” said Dave.
“Well, I doubt that. What have you got?” said the landlord.
"2 Quid" says Dave!
The landlord sets them up and Dave drinks them all in 20 seconds.
The landlord is stunned, “I’ve never seen anyone drink that fast!”
“You’d drink this fast if you had got what I have.” said Dave.
“Well, I doubt that. What have you got?” said the landlord.
"2 Quid" says Dave!
£2 still buys a round in the South West doesn't it Dave. I bought a round Saturday and gave the landlord a ferret and got two starlings in change!
Dave joined a monastery, it had a vow of silence, but once every year he was allowed to utter two words during his meeting with the Abbot.
After the first year Dave arrived for his meeting, the Abbot said, what are your two words my son, “Rooms cold” said Dave.
At the end of the second year, Dave once again arrived for his meeting, the Abbot asked him what his two words were, “Foods Crap” said Dave.
The third year arrived and Dave attended his meeting with the Abbot, what are your two words this time asked the Abbot? “I’m leaving” said Dave.
Thank **** for that said the Abbot, you’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here!
After the first year Dave arrived for his meeting, the Abbot said, what are your two words my son, “Rooms cold” said Dave.
At the end of the second year, Dave once again arrived for his meeting, the Abbot asked him what his two words were, “Foods Crap” said Dave.
The third year arrived and Dave attended his meeting with the Abbot, what are your two words this time asked the Abbot? “I’m leaving” said Dave.
Thank **** for that said the Abbot, you’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here!
I got charged nearly £8 for a pint of Italian lager in one of those Italian resturants on Riverside at the end of last Summer. Me and Mrs D had a meal before going to the footy and I fancied a pint with my dinner. I complained about the price but they wouldn't budge. **** em, I won't be going back there again!
£8 for ****ing lager,
Pissed most of it out as soon as I got to the ground!!
A couple are dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turn on a night-light, turn on the answering machine, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phone the local cab company and request a taxi. The taxi arrives, and the couple open the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. So, she explains to him that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
They phone the local cab company and request a taxi. The taxi arrives, and the couple open the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. So, she explains to him that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England win the world cup again?" God replies "At the next world cup" "But I will be dead by then", said the old man. The second fan asks "When will Spurs next win a European Cup?" "In ten years time", God replies. But I’ll be dead by then, said the old man The last man asks "When will Ipswich next play in the Premier League?" God thinks and then says "I will be dead by then"
Scum Aid!
An appeal to help the poor out there.
A major hurricane (Hurricane McCarthy) earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Ipswich in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in the Portman Road dump. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaa**inell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage. 1000's of caravans and several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars and rubbish piles were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Also a flag bearing the words 'Were going down' printed on it- and a tag on it which read 'On loan from Wolves' was found beneath the rubble. The Ipswich Town Football Club shop was also severely damaged. Many black and white photographs from when Town used to win football matches were destroyed in the fire that ensued. Also the roof of the Ipswich Town North Stand was damaged with expected repair costs set to exceed £5.
Radio Suffolk reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich. One resident - Tina Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Loose Women in my caravan the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of low alcohol lager to the area to help calm the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including (Stolen) benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Pot Noodles, Ice cream and 4 packs of 2% lager.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected
Also 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
Please don't show this to anyone living in Ipswich as they are already devastated enough- oh, sod it...they won't be able to read it anyway.
An appeal to help the poor out there.
A major hurricane (Hurricane McCarthy) earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Ipswich in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in the Portman Road dump. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaa**inell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage. 1000's of caravans and several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars and rubbish piles were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Also a flag bearing the words 'Were going down' printed on it- and a tag on it which read 'On loan from Wolves' was found beneath the rubble. The Ipswich Town Football Club shop was also severely damaged. Many black and white photographs from when Town used to win football matches were destroyed in the fire that ensued. Also the roof of the Ipswich Town North Stand was damaged with expected repair costs set to exceed £5.
Radio Suffolk reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich. One resident - Tina Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Loose Women in my caravan the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of low alcohol lager to the area to help calm the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including (Stolen) benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Pot Noodles, Ice cream and 4 packs of 2% lager.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected
Also 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
Please don't show this to anyone living in Ipswich as they are already devastated enough- oh, sod it...they won't be able to read it anyway.