Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2
- Thread starter Resurgam
- Start date
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I've just competed in the national blindfolded masturbation competition - **** knows where I came!
Paddy a bit drunk sitting at the bar of his local when a Fire engine races past with
sirens wailing and lights flashing.
Paddy gets off his stool, rushes outside and starts chasing the engine, running as fast as
his legs would carry him.
Eventually he collapses onto the road gasping for breath, a man walking his dog has seen
all this and asks, whatever are you doing? Paddy replies, all I wanted was a fecking ice cream,
if they're going to drive that fast they can stick their ice creams up their arse.
ILD OTBC
sirens wailing and lights flashing.
Paddy gets off his stool, rushes outside and starts chasing the engine, running as fast as
his legs would carry him.
Eventually he collapses onto the road gasping for breath, a man walking his dog has seen
all this and asks, whatever are you doing? Paddy replies, all I wanted was a fecking ice cream,
if they're going to drive that fast they can stick their ice creams up their arse.
ILD OTBC
I've just competed in the national blindfolded masturbation competition - **** knows where I came!
Reminded me of:
'Why did the sperm cross the road?'
'Because I hadn't had a **** for three weeks!'
Paddy on a business trip to London, boards his plane and goes to a seat in first class.
The stewardess having spotted his ticket is for business class, goes and asks him to move
to his proper seat.
No says Paddy, I'm a high powered businessman and I'm staying in first class till we reach London.
The stewardess gets her supervisor who asks Paddy the same question, No says Paddy, I'm a
high powered businessman and I'm staying here until I reach London!
Now the pilot arrives, gets the story from the stewardess and goes over to Paddy and whispers
in his ear. Immediatly Paddy gets up and moves to Business class.
The stewardess's are amazed and ask the pilot how him managed to get Paddy to move.
Simple said the pilot, I just told him that only the business class section goes to London on this flight.
ILD OTBC
The stewardess having spotted his ticket is for business class, goes and asks him to move
to his proper seat.
No says Paddy, I'm a high powered businessman and I'm staying in first class till we reach London.
The stewardess gets her supervisor who asks Paddy the same question, No says Paddy, I'm a
high powered businessman and I'm staying here until I reach London!
Now the pilot arrives, gets the story from the stewardess and goes over to Paddy and whispers
in his ear. Immediatly Paddy gets up and moves to Business class.
The stewardess's are amazed and ask the pilot how him managed to get Paddy to move.
Simple said the pilot, I just told him that only the business class section goes to London on this flight.
ILD OTBC
Isaac and Moishe are walking down the road after work, talking about the days events. When in the corner of Isaacs eye, he saw laying in the gutter an envolope. As he picked it up he said ''i vonder what dis is?''
''I dont know'' says Moishe ''Go on all ready open it''
So Isaac opens the envelope, and to his amazment its a wage packet.
''Oy vey, £350.00... what luck'' says Isaac
Moishe cries ''Luck. Luck...just look at the tax you paid !!!!!''
''I dont know'' says Moishe ''Go on all ready open it''
So Isaac opens the envelope, and to his amazment its a wage packet.
''Oy vey, £350.00... what luck'' says Isaac
Moishe cries ''Luck. Luck...just look at the tax you paid !!!!!''
Paddy standing outside the pub, looking up and down the street, gets the attention of a policeman.
What are you up to asks the copper?
Well, someone just told me that the world goes round every 24 hours. Yes it does says the copper,
but that doesn't explain what you're doing. Well I thought I'd just stand here and wait for my house
to come past instead of walking home, it can't be long now I've just seen my neighbor go by.
ILD OTBC
What are you up to asks the copper?
Well, someone just told me that the world goes round every 24 hours. Yes it does says the copper,
but that doesn't explain what you're doing. Well I thought I'd just stand here and wait for my house
to come past instead of walking home, it can't be long now I've just seen my neighbor go by.
ILD OTBC
A Englishman Scotsman and an Irishman are facing execution by firing squad.
The Englishman is brought out first, he's asked if he has any last requests? No, he says nothing. The executioner turns to the firing squad, Ready....
Aim....F suddenly the Englishman shouts"EARTHQUAKE", everyone dives to the ground, the Englisman seizes his chance and escapes.
Now it's the Scotsmans turn, he is also asked if he has any last requests? No, he says nothing. The executioner turns to the firing squad, Ready....
Aim....F suddenly the Scotsman shouts "TSUNAMI", everyone scatters, the Scotsman seizes his chance and escapes.
Now it's Paddy's turn, he's been studying the events and has a plan. Any last requests he's asked. No, nothing at all to be sure.
The executioner turns to the firing squad, Ready....Aim.... "FIRE" shouts Paddy.
ILD OTBC
The Englishman is brought out first, he's asked if he has any last requests? No, he says nothing. The executioner turns to the firing squad, Ready....
Aim....F suddenly the Englishman shouts"EARTHQUAKE", everyone dives to the ground, the Englisman seizes his chance and escapes.
Now it's the Scotsmans turn, he is also asked if he has any last requests? No, he says nothing. The executioner turns to the firing squad, Ready....
Aim....F suddenly the Scotsman shouts "TSUNAMI", everyone scatters, the Scotsman seizes his chance and escapes.
Now it's Paddy's turn, he's been studying the events and has a plan. Any last requests he's asked. No, nothing at all to be sure.
The executioner turns to the firing squad, Ready....Aim.... "FIRE" shouts Paddy.
ILD OTBC
Old man Cohen was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Cohens Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Cohens Nails."
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Cohens Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Cohens Nails."
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
3. The French drink a lot of Champagneand suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
3. The French drink a lot of Champagneand suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than English.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
Murphy texts his wife & says
"Mary, im just having one more pint, then i'll be home, if im not home in 20 mins, read this text again"!
"Mary, im just having one more pint, then i'll be home, if im not home in 20 mins, read this text again"!
Asked my missus if she was up for something from the Kama Sutra. "Yes" she replied, "A Chicken Biriyani would be nice"
I saw a fight in a biscuit tin. The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, then made his breakaway in a taxi.
I've just seen on TV that for just £2 Oxfam can provide water to an African village for a month.
**** it, I'm changing my supplier
**** it, I'm changing my supplier
Charlie Smith, a London dustman can't believe his luck! He's been going out with a really posh bird for nearly a year and she is 'drop-dead' gorgeous!
One day she says to him, "I'm afraid we can't see each other any more Charles!"
"Why's that gal?" says he.
"Mummy says you are too uncouth, Charles!" she says!
"Uncouth?" he says, "uncouth? Listen gal, when we're out walking, who walks on the outside, so you don't get splashed by cars?"
"You do, Charles." she says!
"When we're going in or going out, who holds the door open for you to go first?" he asks.
"You do, Charles," she says!
"When we're about to have dinner, who pulls the chair out for you, and tucks it in behind you?"
Again she replies,"You do, Charles!"
"There you are then," says Charlie, "I'm as ****ing couth as she is!"
One day she says to him, "I'm afraid we can't see each other any more Charles!"
"Why's that gal?" says he.
"Mummy says you are too uncouth, Charles!" she says!
"Uncouth?" he says, "uncouth? Listen gal, when we're out walking, who walks on the outside, so you don't get splashed by cars?"
"You do, Charles." she says!
"When we're going in or going out, who holds the door open for you to go first?" he asks.
"You do, Charles," she says!
"When we're about to have dinner, who pulls the chair out for you, and tucks it in behind you?"
Again she replies,"You do, Charles!"
"There you are then," says Charlie, "I'm as ****ing couth as she is!"
George Michael has said that he sympathises with the Costa Concordia. He has been cruising and ended up lying on his side with a damagewd bottom.
Andy Carrol has apologised to Dalglish for walking down the tunnel after being subbed yesterday, he said he was aiming for the bench.
I went to the doctor and said I need to lose some weight can you advise me please?
He said yes of course I can, if you run 5 miles a day for 100 days you'll lose 50 pounds guaranteed.
So after 100 days I rang the doctor to report that I had indeed lost 50 pounds, but still had a problem.
So what's the problem now ask's the doctor?
Well I replied, I appear to be 500 miles from home!!
ILD OTBC
He said yes of course I can, if you run 5 miles a day for 100 days you'll lose 50 pounds guaranteed.
So after 100 days I rang the doctor to report that I had indeed lost 50 pounds, but still had a problem.
So what's the problem now ask's the doctor?
Well I replied, I appear to be 500 miles from home!!
ILD OTBC