Man walks into a bar and is astonished to see a dog playing chess with it's master. "That's a clever dog" said the man. "Not really" said the barman "he never wins."
WARNING,this may not turn out to be a JOKE! The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless. The Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from EU headquarters in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named; HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed. Also out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavours. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded. The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast. The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of " Brussels." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules." ILD OTBC
I asked a gay friend of mine, not you, another one, "What's the best way to remove a condom?" He said, "Fart!"
Being a scottish rugby fan is a lot like being in the Fritzl's basement every time you se a glimmer of light, you get ****ed!
A man goes into a pub where a Norwich v Ipswich game is showing on the telly. He gets a pint, and sits down next to a man with a dog to watch the game. After 10 minutes Norwich score, the man's dog immediately gets up does a somersault, barks once, then lays down again. 30 minutes into the first half Norwich score again, the dog gets up does 2 somersaults, barks twice, then lays down again. The man is beginning to see a pattern in the dogs behavior and is intrigued to see what will happen when Norwich score again. Sure enough early in the second half.......it's 3 nil, the dog gets up does 3 somersaults, barks three times and lays down again. The man turns to the dogs owner and says, that dog is brilliant, I've seen what it does when Norwich score, but, what happens when Ipswich score? I dunno the man says I've only had him 3 years! ILD OTBC
I went on holiday to Wales for a week, the weather wasn't too bad– it only rained twice. 1st time for 3 days and 2nd time for 4 days. ILD OTBC
I'm reading a brilliant book at the moment it's called "The History of Superglue". I can't put it down, I think it will stick with me for a long time. ILD OTBC
A duck was in a resturant , after the meal the waiter asked him how he would like to pay, cash, credit card....to which the duck replied, just stick it on my bill! ILD OTBC
The invisible man and the invisible woman got married. You won't be surprised to hear that the kids were nothing to look at. ILD OTBC
My mate bought a new hearing aid off the market, It's brilliant he said, I can hear stuff from over a mile away. That's great I said, how much did it cost? Ten past two he said. ILD OTBC
It's Pancake day. Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak? No Dave it doesn't. Oh well the Canary's ****ed then. ILD OTBC
Did you hear the one about the old empty barn? No point in telling you, there's nothing in it anyway. (courtesy of pte Frazer in Dad's Army)
Dave was on his deathbed and calls over his wife of 40 years. Janet he gasps, this is it I'm going! "My dying wish is that after my funeral you marry James from next door". But Dave you always said that you hated James! said Janet. Oh I do my dear, I do. ILD OTBC
Teacher: Dave, what do you call the outside of a tree? Dave: No idea miss. Teacher: Come on I told you all last week she said angrily: Bark, Dave, Bark! Dave: Woof Woof! ILD OTBC
Paddy was walking home from the pub when he was attacked by a robber. He fought with all his strenght, but the mugger was stronger and soon had Paddy pinned to the ground, he rifled through his pockets only to find a single 50 pence coin. Why did you put up such a struggle for a measly 50 pence? Ask's the robber. Well says Paddy, I thought you wanted the £100 note I’ve hidden in my shoe. ILD OTBC
Andrew and Peter Nussbaum were two very clever young brothers who decided to go partners and open an Accountancy business together. They rented exclusive offices in London. Andrew thought that the name "Nussbaum" was a bit long, Peter agreed , so they shortened their name to "Nuss" So, on the first day of opening their new offices, Peter and Andrew were really exited. They hired a loverly young secretery to answer their calls.. The first call came at 10 am....... The nervious secretery answered the phone.... "can I speak to Mr Nuss" the voice said. " Which Mr Nuss would you like to speak to... Mr A Nuss or P Nuss..?
A woman sitting at the bus stop, was joined by a really scruffy tramp. The tramp looked at her, she looked back, thinking 'dirty bugger'. A few minutes later the tramp looks at her again, she again returns his stare, thinking 'smelly git'. Again the tramp looks at her and this time says, I guess your not married then? She is suprised by this as it was true. So she looks at her clothes, handbag etc, to see if there's any obvious clues to her being single. In the end she turns to the tramp and says, I give up, how do you know I'm not married? Simple, it's because you're "pig ugly", came the reply. ILD OTBC
