Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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Father and his 5 year old son were having a chat,
Daddy, where did I get my brain from?
Dad replies, you must have got it from your mother son,
because I've still got mine!

ILD OTBC
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Sainsbury's
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their trolley.
What do you think you're doing?' asks his wife.
They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife!
A few aisles further on the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Huh, says the husband: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... and it's half the price.'

ILD OTBC
 
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a, 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.*
After sitting at a banquet for 4 hours, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use the toilet.
Sure thing says Bill, here's the key to my personal bathroom.
When he entered Bill's private bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold toilet bowl!
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the gold toilet bowl. “Just think,' he said, 'when I'm President, I could have a gold
toilet bowl, but I wouldn't do something like that, it's a waste of tax payers money.
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at Bill's
private bathroom, and especially the President's gold toilet bowl.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary said, Oh by the way Bill,
I think I found out who **** in your saxophone!

ILD OTBC
 
A country boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father, never having seen a lift, responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your mother."
 
Depth Limit for recreational divers - 12m

Depth Limit for experienced divers - 18m

Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30m

Scuba Diving world record - 137m

Depth my £14.99 watch will operate up to - 500m

Thanks Casio, that's a weight off my mind!
 
A stranger was seated next to John on the plane when the stranger turned to the John and said, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
John, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said John. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Actually," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said John, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****!"
 
A bloke walked up to the olympic stadium carrying a very long thin case, the man at the gate said, Hi there, pole vaulter? The bloke replied, No I'm German and how did you know my name was Walter.

ILD OTBC
 
My son came down to breakfast the other morning. I said "what do you want for your breakfast, crunchy nut?" He said "I'll have toast, and don't take the mick about my psoriasis"
 
Life after Death . . .
Dave and his wife made a deal that whoever died first would come back to tell the other if there is life after death!
After a long life together, Dave was the*first to die. True to his word he made contact with his wife.
"Marion ... Marion " Is that you Dave?
"Yes, It's me* I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! Obviously there IS life after death, what's it* like?"
It's great, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and* then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm* sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd* be proud of me - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty* much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to* the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some* much needed* sleep and then the next day it starts all over* again"
"Oh, Dave, it sounds wonderful, you must be in Heaven?"
"No Marion, I've come back as a rabbit on Barnham Broom golf course!

ILD OTBC
 
Seaman on his back to his ship see a cracking bit of crumpet about to jump into the water, he rushes over and grabs her just in time.
She tells him that her boyfriend has left her after promising to take her to Australia, he then suggests that he stows her away on his ship and he'll take her to Australia,he finds her a nice hidey hole, but after 3 weeks she's discovered and taken in front of the captain, she tells the captain how good the seaman has been and that every night he takes her food and drinks, "Anything else" asks the Captain, "Well yes" says the girl, "Every night he screws me," "Bloody right he does" says the Capt. "this is the Isle of Wight Ferry"
 
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya. . . Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and a redhead came up to me. . . tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!
She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?"
I said "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."
So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said "It’s either screw or swim!"
She couldn’t swim, Dave. She couldn’t swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave. . . I gotta tell ya. . . Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me. . . tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!
She said "Can I have a ride in your boat?"
I told her "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, "It’s either screw or swim!"
She couldn’t swim, Dave! She couldn’t swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin" over a beer.

Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya. . . . Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me. . . tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does.
She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?"
So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out. . . much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It’s either screw or swim!"

She pulled down her pants and. . . . .
She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick!

. . . and I can’t swim Dave!
. . . I can’t swim!"
 
Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps! So now, when a bloke goes down he can have a bevvy as well!

However, anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking!
 
I was at the swimming baths last night and as I was up the deep end, I decided to have a crafty pee. Trouble is the lifeguard saw me. Bugger blew his whistle so hard, I nearly fell in!
 
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