God I was up ridiculously early this morning! I had a crap at about 0430 and by 0500 it had gone cold so I had to get up!
My dog does a somersault every time Man utd score a goal. Sometimes he does two. It just depends on how hard i kick him !
BBC SPORT: Arsenal are interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man. Apparently, they are also interested in his compatriots, Striker Skor de Gaulle and Goal keeper Bloek de Schott.
MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' MALE PROCEDURE: 1... Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Lower your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake. ILD OTBC
I fiend of mine had been feeling sick for quite sometime now and I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he decided to go see a doctor so off we went. He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one. Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his ass. He screamed and his wife said "What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?" He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Mike Tyson, Chris Evans and David Beckham escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to Tyson,"Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!" Mike jumps and - SWISH! - the firemen yank the blanket away. Poor guy slams into the pavement like a tomato. "C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to Chris Evans "Oh no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!" says Chris. "No! It’s Tyson we can’t stand! We’re OK with you." "OK," says Chris, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, Beckham steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!" yells David. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!" "Look," Becks says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down on the ground, and back away from it..."
Hate to be a party-pooper but in Weston, ASDA and Tescos have their pharmacy at the front of the store, and Morrisons have theirs immediately as you walk through the door!
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Spain a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Richard Branson sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Spain, but he was running a little bit late. Well, stiffening the sinews, I approached the Virgin chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Branson, I wonder if you would do me a favour." "Yes?" "I’m sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, "Hi, Ray,’?" "Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Richard Branson. "Hi,Ray," he said. I replied, "**** off, Branson, I’m in a meeting."
A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. " "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for students," the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday. "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January one for February, one for..."
What do you get if you cross a black guy with a sponge? Martin Loofah King. (Available from all good pharmacies - wherever in the store they may be sited )
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero, and the other is an instruction. ILD OTBC
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you". She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It’s me talking to the beer". ILD OTBC
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said "I'd like to come back as a cow". I said, "You're obviously not listening". ILD OTBC
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified...... ILD OTBC
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker........ Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet!!! ILD OTBC
A priest was walking along when suddenly a frog said to him "Father a curse has been placed on me. I used to be a choirboy, to reverse the curse you must take me home and look after me with some food and a bed for the night." The priest then took the frog home and placed him on his pillow. In the morning the priest found a young choirboy in his bed. And that My Lord is the case for the defence.
