Dave goes into the chip shop carrying a fish "Do you sell fish cakes?" "Yes, how many do you want?" "Just the one, it's his birthday"
Man goes into a chippy and asks for a bag of chips. "120 or 160?" the owner asks him. "Sod it. If you're going to count them, I'll have a pie instead", the man replied.
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to **** 'em!"
Some of these you may have heard before, but they still made me chuckle. These are extracts from complaint letters to local housing councils. 1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN!!! Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
So Liverpool have finally won a trophy after 6 years ! The Carling cup! Its a bit like being single for 6 years then bringing home Susan Boyle !
Q:How many french does it take to defend Paris? A: Don't know they have never tried Q: Why is the Champs Elise lined with trees? A: So the Germans can march in the shade Have you heard of the new french flag? For ease of use the red and blue stripes now come with velcro
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
Walkers mystery flavour crisps! I thought they tasted like my ex wifes pussey, and i thought it was just my imadgination, but everyone in the pub says the same !
Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up his arse. The Doc says "**** me thats gone up a fairway".
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman sitting in a bar taking about their sons names and their birthdays. The Englishman says, we called our son George, as he was born on St Georges day. The Scotsman says, we called our son David, as he was born on St David’s day. The Irishman says, we called our son Pancake................... (I+KJAF)
My wife kicked me out the other day, she said it was because I was obsessed with cowboy movies. Ah well, this town wasn't big enough for the both of us anyway.
I had a feeling it was a mistake to come back, even on here. Looks like the name callers are still prowling around. "Ignorant" and "Knowing Jack all about Football" but, still one of Norwich City's most loyal supporters. ILD OTBC.
You tell me, your opinion is superior to mine, or so you told me! "Ignorant" and "Knowing Jack all about Football" but, still one of Norwich City's most loyal supporters. ILD OTBC.