Bad joke thread .... Volume 1

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One morning a man went to see his doctor.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.

If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.

Be pleasant at all times.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

Do not nag him.

Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"


"He said you are going to die"
 
THE ROAR said:
Women wins 10,000 pounds and decides to have face and boob surgery,5 weeks later her bruising goes down so she decides to splash out on her new look and buys a dress,while at the counter she's ask the women "how old do you think I am" she replies 35, with this the women is delighted," I'm 47 she's replies ,she decides next to get something to eat so she pops into mac Donald's where there is a big que ,she finally gets to the counter and asks the guy at the counter how old she is," 29 he replies, and not a day over, the women is delighted and says she's 47.
She decides to catch the bus home ,so while she waits at the bus stop an old man is standing next to her so she asks him how old he thinks she is, the old man replies "we'll I'm 85 and have bad eyesight but if you let me shove my hand up your skirt I will tell you exactly how old you are?. The women looks rather shocked but as know one is around she lets him, arfter 10 mins of him fondling her he says I've got it your 47 , the women is amazed and says you can tell my real age by putting your hand up my skirt ? He replies , well not exactly ,but I was behind you in the que in mac Donald's <laugh>
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<laugh>.:emoticon-0116-evilg
 
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."

'Dyslexic man walks into a bra..

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

:bandit:
 
man goes into a doctors suffering with constipation,,
the doc examines him and says,
"you need to go home and insert these 2 pills in your back passage" then come back and see me on monday, by then you should be on the mend,,
the man goes home to do as the doc.told him.
Monday arrives and the man has no change,and goes back to the doc.
the doc says how are you are you any better ?
the man says no doc.no change i am still constipated.
Oh dear says the doc did you follow my instructions and insert them pills into your back passage,,
Well not exactly replied the man, because my house doe'nt have a back passage,so i put them in the front passage,
and for what good that did i might just as well of shoved em up my arse.
 
MIGHTY said:
man goes into a doctors suffering with constipation,,
the doc examines him and says,
"you need to go home and insert these 2 pills in your back passage" then come back and see me on monday, by then you should be on the mend,,
the man goes home to do as the doc.told him.
Monday arrives and the man has no change,and goes back to the doc.
the doc says how are you are you any better ?
the man says no doc.no change i am still constipated.
Oh dear says the doc did you follow my instructions and insert them pills into your back passage,,
Well not exactly replied the man, because my house doe'nt have a back passage,so i put them in the front passage,
and for what good that did i might just as well of shoved em up my arse.
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Thats why they call this the 'bad jokes thread'.<doh>
 
Slightly adapted to suit this board.

A Millwall fan was getting a nagging from his wife.
"You go to the training sessions, you go to every game home and away. Sometimes I think that you think more of Millwall than you do me" she nagged.
"Darlin'" came the reply, " I think more of bleedin' West Ham than I do you."
 
2 pubic hairs stuck on a toilet seat
one says to the other
how long you here for ?
and the other replies
untill i get pissed off
 
i know i am trying,, it is called "bad joke thread" and im winning <laugh>

what we need is a GOOD JOKE THREAD <doh> i hate bad jokes <yikes>
 
No <doh> its attracted a few people so thats ok <ok>

is there a prize for the worst joke <laugh>
 
possibly a nomination into the SB awards for the week :wink:

what for doing what the thread asks ?<yikes>
 
Now that joke does need a nomination <laugh>

but to follow on from Maestros piece of pure brilliance,,

what do you call a Deer with no eyes ?
 
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