Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

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My dwarf wife went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink
 
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So, I eventually bit the bullet and went to see my doctor about my premature ejaculation problem.

"It must be very stressful for your wife", he said.

"To be honest", I replied,"it's getting on her tits".
 
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Jeez, will you look at that...!

Two packs of Lurpak for just £3.00.



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Talking to a guy in North Korea, I said "how's things?" He said "can't complain".
 
Managed to have sex with the wife for 1.5 hours last night... Doggy style.

That's 3 minutes in human time.
 
Albert calls on his close mate Cedric and says ... listen mate! I'm sleeping with the vicar's wife, can you keep him talking in church for an hour or so after services for me ?
Cedric doesn't like it, but being Albert's long time friend, he agrees reluctantly.
After the Sunday service, he starts talking to the vicar, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the vicar gets a bit annoyed and asks Cedric what he's really up to ?

Cedric, feeling most guilty, finally confesses to the vicar. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.

The vicar smiles with a beaming grin and puts a brotherly hand on Cedric's shoulder and says...My son! You'd best hurry home right now, because MY wife died two years ago!
 
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Last week I went to a night club in Basingstoke, but when I got to the door the bouncer said "I'm sorry but you can't come in because you haven't got a tie on". I went back to my car and searched for a tie but couldn't find one anywhere.

Just then I spotted a pair of jump leads in the boot of the car so I wrapped them around my neck. I walked back up to the bouncer, who looked me up and down and said "alright you can come in, but don't start anything"
 
2016 is the first time Halloween falls on Friday 13th in 666 years <monster>

Edit: just looked at the calendar and it's bollocks <doh>
 
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