A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war. The librarian says no chance you will only lose it.
During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?- P.J. O'Rourke
I always wondered why they never made a 'Pregnant Barbie' doll. Then I remembered Ken came in another box.
A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means that 75% of women are running around untreated!
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"
A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will. The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff. “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me: ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’ “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
He wears the pants in the house - under his apron. He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none. She leads a double life - hers and his. He comes right out and says what she tells him to think. She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow. He always has the last word - he says, "I apologize." He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house. The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry. He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose. He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued. He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now. She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under. She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast. He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it. Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bent knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed
It's true I did once have sex with Kylie Minogue in London, but I am now banned for life from Madam Tussauds..........
