A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door. Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says. "Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toiret" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed. "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Chinese man. "Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's ya wheelie bin?" "OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheely bin having ****"
Two gay blokes are getting it on in an alleyway when a passing Police officer shines his torch on them and shouts " Police stay there" They both run off. The copper finally catches one of them and brings him to the ground, then picks him up cuffs him and slams him against the wall and says " If I'd of caught your mate I would have rammed my truncheon up his arse until he squealed for mercy" He then hears a small voice say "I'm in the bin"
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the **** out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
A couple, experiencing sexual problems in bed, decided to see a sex therapist. After asking a few questions and examining the couple, the therapist recommends they add excitement to their sex lives by adding food to sex. The therapist recommends the wife plays ring-toss on the man's dick with doughnuts and then remove them orally. The couple tries it out and has great success. The husband is telling a friend about the remarkable turn around and the great advice from the therapist. The friend and his wife, having the same problem, go to the therapiist. After examining the patients, the therapist says there's nothing she can do. The couple begs for help. Finally the therapist suggests the couple plays the same game, except with cheerios.
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
What Grand National winning jockey Liam Treadwell SHOULD have said in reply to Clare Balding was: "I've got my job as a jockey by sheer hard work and talent. Slogging my guts out from an early age and I'VE JUST ****ING WON THE GRAND NATIONAL. You on the other hand have only got your job by the sheer good fortune of being somebody's ****ing daughter (like most ****ing employees of the BBC) and I may have terrible teeth but I don't look as if I've undergone a terribly botched sex-change operation." But then he doesn't have as many balls as Clare Balding.
please log in to view this image Getting a lot of stick from Liverpool fans right now. We'll see if I made the right decision on February 28th
The little ****er will probably try bouncing it off the advertising hoardings behind the goal at Wembley as if it was a five-a-side game, and get away with it too if Twatkinson's officiating.
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
