Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Professor Stephen Hawking has proposed a new solution for how information might be able to escape a black hole.
The problem has confounded physicists for decades; quantum mechanics says when objects fall beyond the event horizon -- the boundary where even light cannot escape from a gravity well -- the information about that object must survive, but general relativity says that it must be destroyed.
Known as the information paradox, it is one of the central mysteries of modern physics and its solution could potentially hold the key to reconciling the physics of the very small (quantum) with that of the very large (relativity).
Now Hawking thinks he has a solution: the information about objects falling into black holes can escape because it doesn't actually make it inside.
"I propose that the information is stored not in the interior of the black hole as one might expect, but on its boundary, the event horizon," Hawking told the Hawking Radiation Conference audience in Stockholm, Sweden. "If you feel you are in a black hole, don’t give up," he said.
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This is Anfield said:
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Professor Stephen Hawking has proposed a new solution for how information might be able to escape a black hole.
The problem has confounded physicists for decades; quantum mechanics says when objects fall beyond the event horizon -- the boundary where even light cannot escape from a gravity well -- the information about that object must survive, but general relativity says that it must be destroyed.
Known as the information paradox, it is one of the central mysteries of modern physics and its solution could potentially hold the key to reconciling the physics of the very small (quantum) with that of the very large (relativity).
Now Hawking thinks he has a solution: the information about objects falling into black holes can escape because it doesn't actually make it inside.
"I propose that the information is stored not in the interior of the black hole as one might expect, but on its boundary, the event horizon," Hawking told the Hawking Radiation Conference audience in Stockholm, Sweden. "If you feel you are in a black hole, don’t give up," he said.
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kind of stupid really.

1. if you are "stored" on the event horizon how can you be "in the black hole"

2. your matter falls into the black hole and is sent to another dimension or destroyed etc... your info stays somehow on the event horizon along with all other data for all over objects ever to go into it.

3. how do the two get remerged to have said hope..
 
My missus tells me that there is a live episode of Coronation Street tonight. Apparently as Old Trafford is only 0.7 miles from the Coronation Street studio and as there's a home game on against Ipswich at the same time, there's been some concerns about the noise. Louis van Gaal has assured everyone that if Ken Barlow keeps it down a bit, everything should be OK.
 
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A newly married couple go to Tunisia for their honeymoon. One day, as they're wandering through a market the couple find themselves invited into a shop selling slippers. They have a look at the wares but can't see anything they like. Just as they're about to leave, Abdul the shopkeeper takes down a pair of slippers from the top shelf.

"Please sir," he says, "before you go you must try on these special slippers. They have the magical power to increase your sex drive. If you put these on you will be insatiable. You will never tire of the sexual act."

The couple are dubious, but to humour Abdul the man takes off his shoes and tries on the slippers. Immediately the man's eyes bulge out of their sockets! He gives a great roar, rips off his shorts, bends Abdul over a chair and starts tearing off his robes.

"No, no!" shouts Abdul. "Wrong feet, wrong feet!!"
 
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.


Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.​
 
Entering into Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
 
This is Anfield said:
Entering into Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Click to expand...

This is real, not a joke.
 
A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sex life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife orgasm.

One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.

He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn't worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn't like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male escort agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn't worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the escort. The man was at his wit's end so gave it one last try.

That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the escort arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the escort got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the escort's ear, "You see mate, that's how you wave a ****ing towel!"
 
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This is Anfield said:
A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sex life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife orgasm.

One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.

He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn't worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn't like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male escort agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn't worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the escort. The man was at his wit's end so gave it one last try.

That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the escort arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the escort got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the escort's ear, "You see mate, that's how you wave a ****ing towel!"
Click to expand...

Not bad for you, dribs <laugh>
 
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

God explained to him, "Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."
 
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This is Anfield said:
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

God explained to him, "Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."
Click to expand...

That's more like it <laugh>
 
Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.
Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation.
A few week later she’s crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed. She comes up to heaven and sees God.
“I don’t understand,” she says to God “You said I had another thirty years?”
God answers her, “I didn’t recognize you.”
 
This is Anfield said:
Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.
Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation.
A few week later she’s crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed. She comes up to heaven and sees God.
“I don’t understand,” she says to God “You said I had another thirty years?”
God answers her, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Click to expand...

No <yikes>
 
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