The Voice ....... A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you". The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die". The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you" the man asked? "Who are you"? "I am your guardian angel", the voice answered. "Oh yeah"? the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married"?
Bloke getting a BJ from a girl he has just met. She says "If you were a gentleman, you would not ask me to do this" He replied "If you were a Lady you would not talk with your mouth full!"
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.' My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.' 'I never know how much of what I say is true.' Bette Midler A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. Margo Kaufman Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. Alice Thomas Ellis 'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead
did you not read the post directly above my one. literally jesus wept is all there needed to be said.
This verse occurs in John's narrative of the death of Lazarus, a follower of Jesus. Lazarus' sisters - Mary and Martha - sent word to Jesus of their brother's illness and impending death, but Jesus arrived four days after Lazarus died. Jesus, after talking to the grieving sisters and seeing Lazarus' friends weeping, was deeply troubled and moved. After asking where Lazarus had been laid, and being invited to come see, Jesus wept. —The Bible, Gospel of John, 11:35 He went to the tomb and told the people to remove the stone covering it, prayed aloud to his Father, and ordered Lazarus to come out, resurrect
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life." The doctor asks, "Can you describe the problem?" "Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work." "Okay..." the doctor replies. "I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break." "Right..." "Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep." "Well, I don't see what the problem is..." The guy says, "It hurts when I ****."
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the F.A. Cup Final on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it. The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing the following on your radio. In Australia, many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, made the Harbour City drop to its knees in laughter. Anyway, here’s how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of "Mate Match"?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have. "DJ: "Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please. Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I'm married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she’s at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o’clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..."Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I"ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this." [3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: "Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? Sarah: "Up the arse....."
