Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Gerrez said:
Seven Englishmen and one Irishmen was in a identity parade for rape, the victim walks in and Paddy steps forward and says "that's her the ungrateful fat ****er!"
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thats class, im nicking that, obviously i'll be changing the Irish/English part around
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Any nun will tell you you can't take it with you but if you kept it to yourself, you probably won't be going to Heaven.
 
Garharsam said:
thats class, im nicking that, obviously i'll be changing the Irish/English part around
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Or you could do this:

Seven Englishmen and one fat f**er were in a identity parade for rape, the victim walks in and Melanie steps forward and says "that's her the ungrateful Irishman!"
 
Vin Diesel, Keanu Reeves and Arnold Schwarzenegger were talking about which composer they wanted to play in an upcoming film.
"I want to be Beethoven" said Keanu, followed my Vin Diesel proclaiming he'd be Mozart.
"I'll be Bach", replied Schwarzenegger.
 
Garlic Bread said:
Vin Diesel, Keanu Reeves and Arnold Schwarzenegger were talking about which composer they wanted to play in an upcoming film.
"I want to be Beethoven" said Keanu, followed my Vin Diesel proclaiming he'd be Mozart.
"I'll be Bach", replied Schwarzenegger.
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<doh> <laugh> That's.......erm.........terrible
 
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

&#8220;You&#8217;re late!&#8221; she yells. &#8220;You said you&#8217;d be home by 11:45!&#8221;
&#8220;Actually,&#8221; the mathematician replies coolly, &#8220;I said I&#8217;d be home by a quarter of 12.&#8221;

Divide 12 by 4, or a quarter. Now do you get it? (I didn&#8217;t. Someone had to tell me to do that.)
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

&#8220;You&#8217;re late!&#8221; she yells. &#8220;You said you&#8217;d be home by 11:45!&#8221;
&#8220;Actually,&#8221; the mathematician replies coolly, &#8220;I said I&#8217;d be home by a quarter of 12.&#8221;

Divide 12 by 4, or a quarter. Now do you get it? (I didn&#8217;t. Someone had to tell me to do that.)
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see... this is the thing.. anyone saying this would

a) not be married (sheldon cooper)
b) never out at 3am cos they are boring bartards (sheldon coper)

<laugh>
 
Obama got a coded message from Iran. It read: 370HSSV-0773H.
Obama was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA. The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton. He suggested turning it upside down!
 
Dear Wife, I am writing you this letter to express you that I am leaving you for forever. I&#8217;ve been a good husband to you for 5 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn&#8217;t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don&#8217;t tell me you love me anymore; you don&#8217;t want to do love makingor anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you&#8217;re cheating on me or you don&#8217;t love me anymore; whatever the case, I&#8217;m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don&#8217;t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to hill place together! Have a great life!

wife so happyDear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It&#8217;s true you & I have been married for 5 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you&#8217;ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn&#8217;t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was &#8216;You look just like a girl!&#8217; Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can&#8217;t say something nice, I didn&#8217;t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 5 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $39.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $40 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 20 million $, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won&#8217;t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don&#8217;t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that&#8217;s not a problem.
 
A priest , a vicar and a rabbi were in the pub when a fly flew into the priests pint and drowned. The priest picked up the fly and said " go God's creature and live another day" the fly came back to life and buzzed around landing in the vicars pint. The vicar pulled him out and said " rise up gods creation and live" the fly buzzed around again before nose diving into the rabbi's pint. The rabbi picked up the fly and shaking it said " spit out you bastard , thats my drink."
 
The referee was careful to have an eye test every two years..
When he had given in his details and was sitting in the chair awaiting his tests, the optometrist turned towards him and said: &#8220;Excuse me sir, are you by any chance a referee? The referee admitted he was.
Optometrist: &#8220;Didn&#8217;t you take the last ManU home game?&#8221; The referee agreed that he had.
Without another word, the optometrist quickly took the referee through the various tests...
Optometrist: &#8220;Well, sir, you have no eye problems and really excellent vision.&#8221;
The referee smiled with satisfaction
Optometrist: &#8220;So how then do you explain your decisions at Old Trafford last Saturday?&#8221;
 
* WIFE AND MISTRESS *
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said "I like both."
"Both?" The artist and architect asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer, "If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done
 
A man walks into an optician's one day with a violin case and puts it down in front of the Optician pushing it over to him. He says "Open the case" So the Optician does and looks in utter distaste as inside the case was a turd the whole length and breadth of the case. He closes the case and says "You dirty man take this and get out!", The man says "No, you don't understand. Every time I do one of these my eyes water!" - Billy Connolly
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
* WIFE AND MISTRESS *
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said "I like both."
"Both?" The artist and architect asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer, "If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done
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classic american jargonism... engineers don't work in labs... geeks and scientists work in labs...... semi conductor engineers don't count as they all inhale the solder fumes.
 
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