A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionare. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
An anthropologist is travelling the world filming tribal dances when he hears of a mystic Australian Aboriginal ceremony called the Butcher Dance. The dance has never been seen by outsiders so the anthropologist travels to the Australian outback to try and film it. It turns out the Butcher Dance is only performed in one remote settlement, so the anthropologist puts together an expedition and the group drives out into the bush. Bad luck strikes the expedition and their petrol tank gets punctured forcing them to take to their feet. They walk for days and days and the expedition members gradually drop through exhaustion, sun-stroke and thirst. Finally only the anthropologist is left struggling along with his camera. Finally he too has enough and collapses in the dust. That evening he wakes to find he’s been rescued. He’s in a tribal encampment and is delighted when he discovers that his saviours are the very tribe that perform the fabled Butcher Dance. It turns out the Butcher Dance is usually performed only once every ten years but since the anthropologist has suffered so much the tribal elders agree to put on a performance especially for him. The anthropologist sets up his camera and the tribal dancers get into a circle. The tribal chief claps his hands, the anthropologist starts recording, and the Aborigines start their mystic dance, ‘You butcher left arm in. Your butcher left arm out. In. Out…’
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
My ex girlfriend sent me a text saying she'd ended it because I try to show off my mental maths skills 24/7. So I replied, " 3.428571".
Three nuns were walking down the streets of Salford complaining about how bad Manchester United were doing. The first nun said "I blame the manager, if he signed better players we'd be a great team." The second nun said "I blame the players, if they put more effort in we'd be winning more games." The last nun said "I blame my parents. If I had been born in Liverpool I'd be supporting a better team!"
An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that’s not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. “What sort of accountant were you?” “Oh, I was a CPA”, was the reply. “Name?” asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. “Oh yes, we’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted time span.” The accountant says, “I don’t get it. How can that be? I’m only 48 years old.” Pete looks again at the file and says, “Well, that’s impossible.” “Why do you say that?” asks the accountant. “Well,” says St. Peter, “we’ve been looking over your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!”
Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband." "Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says, "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...." Jill interrupts and says, "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement
A Jewish nun gave birth to a boy with no eyelids so they implanted his foreskin where his eyelids should have been. It was mostly a success although he was a little cock eyed.
David Cameron says the UK is a Christian country. That's like Arsene Wenger saying, "Arsenal are an English club."
Seven Englishmen and one Irishmen was in a identity parade for rape, the victim walks in and Paddy steps forward and says "that's her the ungrateful fat ****er!"
one day a blone whent in to a hairdressers wearing headphones, she told the hairdresser to cut her hair. He said "sure, can i take off your headphones?" She said "NO NO NO just cut around them. so she had her hair cut. The next month she whent into the Hairdressers wearing headphones and asked the hairdresser to cut her hair. He said "sure but can i take off your headphones?" she again said "NO NO NO just cut around them. So she had her hair cut. The next month she whent into the hairdressers wearing headphones and asked the hairdresser to cut her hair. Unfortunatelly for her the hairdresser was new and forgot to ask if he was allowed to take off her headphones. So he took them off and she dropped dead on the floor. He picked up the headphones and put them to his own ears and listened. They were saying "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."
