Dear Swords
Are you hoping that this thread contains some material suitable for knocking one's self about?
Are you hoping that this thread contains some material suitable for knocking one's self about?
OT - Ask Loretta
- Thread starter Swords Hoopster.
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Dear Swords,
On the message board I post on, there is an egotistical twat who goes out of his way to wind everyone up and provoke argument. I like the lad 'cos he sometimes makes sense and puts intelligent posts on the board but more often than not nowadays it's drivel, just put up to cause outrage and disagreement.
I keep thinking the lad will one day see sense but fear his 'it's all about me' attitude will soon cause his downfall.
Tell me Swords, what should I do ??
Staines
PS I'm actually not sure he supports QPR at all and may even be a girl.
On the message board I post on, there is an egotistical twat who goes out of his way to wind everyone up and provoke argument. I like the lad 'cos he sometimes makes sense and puts intelligent posts on the board but more often than not nowadays it's drivel, just put up to cause outrage and disagreement.
I keep thinking the lad will one day see sense but fear his 'it's all about me' attitude will soon cause his downfall.
Tell me Swords, what should I do ??
Staines
PS I'm actually not sure he supports QPR at all and may even be a girl.
Ramp it up guys
Dear swords....
Can you please tekll me what its like to go to Loftus Road & how to get there?
Ive heard thier is a Prem team there but what colours do they play in and what players should i look out for.What London transport links go there as Ive heard they have electricity at that place
On a sexual tip (as that seems to be your motive) Sexpo is at Wembley. Is that anywher near the loftus? Do they get dressed up in kits being so local../
Please let mee know what i sould expect at the loftus
Thanx
Dear swords....
Can you please tekll me what its like to go to Loftus Road & how to get there?
Ive heard thier is a Prem team there but what colours do they play in and what players should i look out for.What London transport links go there as Ive heard they have electricity at that place
On a sexual tip (as that seems to be your motive) Sexpo is at Wembley. Is that anywher near the loftus? Do they get dressed up in kits being so local../
Please let mee know what i sould expect at the loftus
Thanx
Dear Swords
I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. I cannot decide on either the Chateau Mouton Rothschild '82 or the '85 for lunch today.
I will be having a warm lamb sweetbread salad with shredded beetroot and celeriac.
What would you recommend?
Regards
WBA2etc
I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. I cannot decide on either the Chateau Mouton Rothschild '82 or the '85 for lunch today.
I will be having a warm lamb sweetbread salad with shredded beetroot and celeriac.
What would you recommend?
Regards
WBA2etc
Dear Swords
My wife is always on at me that I'm incapable of ever making my own decisions.
What can I do to prove her wrong??
ICBINB
My wife is always on at me that I'm incapable of ever making my own decisions.
What can I do to prove her wrong??
ICBINB
I'm pleased to see such a positive response. So many questions.
Fear not, help is at hand.
About 50 quid a night
You sound like you like to spread the love around? In many open and liberal relationships these days, this is actually quite common, especially I believe among members of the emergency services where uniforms and roll play are de rigueur. I would suggest introducing her to it gradually so as not to scare her. Taking someone up the R's for the first time can be a frightening experience as sometimes there can be a lot of sh*t on display. I would suggest a few alcoholic beverages before the act as that will help reduce inhibitions for what can, on some occasions, be a messy experience. At this stage she will suitably relaxed and will derive great pleasure at seeing so many big balls coming from behind and hopefully plenty of penetration up front.
Enjoy
Women like cleanliness. Vibrators aren't as messy.
This is a recent phenomenon. My inbox has been inundated with this very problem for the last fortnight or so. The reasons for it are unclear but I think it has something to do with a rise in pollen levels.
Have you tried tickling her feet? This can often alleviate women's anxieties and make them more receptive. I would suggest using a feather. It must be a Peacock's feather though, plucked from above the cloaca on the back. Luckily I have some in stock and can be purchased for 69.99 Euro (incl P&P) along with a free copy of my latest book "The Unholy Alliance: Lesbianism and Feminism".
Keep me posted on your progress.
The woman suffers from a rare condition known as Asexuality. She's no longer attracted to men (your friend) nor women (her friend). She's finding this situation difficult and may either have to accept her feelings, in which case I would suggest a career in the nunnery or get Princess Margaret's phone number as there may be a niche for her sexuality after all...
Good luck!
In mineralogy and crystallography, a crystal structure is a unique arrangement of atoms or molecules in a crystalline liquid or solid.[1] A crystal structure describes a highly ordered structure, occurring due to the intrinsic nature of molecules to form symmetric patterns. A crystal structure can be thought of as an infinitely repeating array of 3D 'boxes', known as unit cells. Amorphous (from the Greek a, without, morphé, shape, form) or non-crystalline solid, on the other hand, is a solid that lacks the long-range order characteristic of a crystal. In some older books, the term has been used synonymously with glass. Nowadays, "amorphous solid" is considered to be the overarching concept, and glass the more special case: A glass is an amorphous solid that exhibits a glass transition.[1] Polymers are often amorphous. Other types of amorphous solids include gels, thin films, and nanostructured materials. Conditions permitting and depending on the medium and application required, both work well in a silver copper eutectic.
Have you read my book "Ten ways to make love in a Laboratory"? Paperback available from 19.99 Euro (P&P incl).
Dress him in girls clothes and get him a sex change when he reaches 15 (it worked for me!). Gingerism is more accepted in the female form in these enlightened times.
Sure, no problem.
(1) Epigenetics is a term used for describing the genetic incidence of males being born with an insatiable desire to fornicate in empty churches with elderly gentlemen. The adolescent is in such need that the older man is in fact providing a great social service to the community in alleviating the young man's stress. You might even say hes doing God's work (at least that's what my old Parish Priest used to say...).
(2) Who?
(3) Because all foreigners are scared of marine mammals and it is an effective deterrent. The informed voter recognises this and thus supports the party.
(4) I have a phone number for a software engineer. His name is Oddball. PM me for contact details.
Tell her to be patient. There's no room for misty-eyed romanticism in a relationship of this kind. For fu*k's sake, what is it with women and instant gratification? Do they not know Rome was not built in one day???
I would suggest joining a Church congregation of the Puritan type. After a few weeks of mind-numbingly dull lecturing on how not to be happy as well as some good old-fashioned threats of eternal torture for licentious thoughts or behaviour, she should be sufficiently cowed. I know just the man to get in contact with. His name (ironically) is Willy...
Oh and buy her some sandals
Perfectly. Its just a seasonal thing. It will release itself of its own accord in the next couple of weeks and before you know it, you'll be scoring for fun once more.
Take care
You won't have to wish much longer with Tony Abbott in charge...
It is true that since the season ended, the lack of Nine's team Managers pictures has led me to alternative websites. My Computer now has more viruses than Kerry Katona's minge. I'm sticking to this Site from now on.
This person sounds like a cracking individual, embodying spontaneity, entertainment and exuding charisma. I think you should worship at his feet and thank your lucky stars such an amazing human being graces your everyday life in such a manner. Great people come but only fleetingly and must be treasured while they are around.
Loretta
Fear not, help is at hand.
About 50 quid a night
You sound like you like to spread the love around? In many open and liberal relationships these days, this is actually quite common, especially I believe among members of the emergency services where uniforms and roll play are de rigueur. I would suggest introducing her to it gradually so as not to scare her. Taking someone up the R's for the first time can be a frightening experience as sometimes there can be a lot of sh*t on display. I would suggest a few alcoholic beverages before the act as that will help reduce inhibitions for what can, on some occasions, be a messy experience. At this stage she will suitably relaxed and will derive great pleasure at seeing so many big balls coming from behind and hopefully plenty of penetration up front.
Enjoy
Women like cleanliness. Vibrators aren't as messy.
This is a recent phenomenon. My inbox has been inundated with this very problem for the last fortnight or so. The reasons for it are unclear but I think it has something to do with a rise in pollen levels.
Have you tried tickling her feet? This can often alleviate women's anxieties and make them more receptive. I would suggest using a feather. It must be a Peacock's feather though, plucked from above the cloaca on the back. Luckily I have some in stock and can be purchased for 69.99 Euro (incl P&P) along with a free copy of my latest book "The Unholy Alliance: Lesbianism and Feminism".
Keep me posted on your progress.
The woman suffers from a rare condition known as Asexuality. She's no longer attracted to men (your friend) nor women (her friend). She's finding this situation difficult and may either have to accept her feelings, in which case I would suggest a career in the nunnery or get Princess Margaret's phone number as there may be a niche for her sexuality after all...
Good luck!
Dear Swords Whats the diffrence between a Crystaline and amorphous structure and which would be present in a Silver/Copper Eutectic ?thanks
In mineralogy and crystallography, a crystal structure is a unique arrangement of atoms or molecules in a crystalline liquid or solid.[1] A crystal structure describes a highly ordered structure, occurring due to the intrinsic nature of molecules to form symmetric patterns. A crystal structure can be thought of as an infinitely repeating array of 3D 'boxes', known as unit cells. Amorphous (from the Greek a, without, morphé, shape, form) or non-crystalline solid, on the other hand, is a solid that lacks the long-range order characteristic of a crystal. In some older books, the term has been used synonymously with glass. Nowadays, "amorphous solid" is considered to be the overarching concept, and glass the more special case: A glass is an amorphous solid that exhibits a glass transition.[1] Polymers are often amorphous. Other types of amorphous solids include gels, thin films, and nanostructured materials. Conditions permitting and depending on the medium and application required, both work well in a silver copper eutectic.
Have you read my book "Ten ways to make love in a Laboratory"? Paperback available from 19.99 Euro (P&P incl).
Dress him in girls clothes and get him a sex change when he reaches 15 (it worked for me!). Gingerism is more accepted in the female form in these enlightened times.
Sure, no problem.
(1) Epigenetics is a term used for describing the genetic incidence of males being born with an insatiable desire to fornicate in empty churches with elderly gentlemen. The adolescent is in such need that the older man is in fact providing a great social service to the community in alleviating the young man's stress. You might even say hes doing God's work (at least that's what my old Parish Priest used to say...).
(2) Who?
(3) Because all foreigners are scared of marine mammals and it is an effective deterrent. The informed voter recognises this and thus supports the party.
(4) I have a phone number for a software engineer. His name is Oddball. PM me for contact details.
Tell her to be patient. There's no room for misty-eyed romanticism in a relationship of this kind. For fu*k's sake, what is it with women and instant gratification? Do they not know Rome was not built in one day???
I would suggest joining a Church congregation of the Puritan type. After a few weeks of mind-numbingly dull lecturing on how not to be happy as well as some good old-fashioned threats of eternal torture for licentious thoughts or behaviour, she should be sufficiently cowed. I know just the man to get in contact with. His name (ironically) is Willy...
Oh and buy her some sandals
Perfectly. Its just a seasonal thing. It will release itself of its own accord in the next couple of weeks and before you know it, you'll be scoring for fun once more.
Take care
You won't have to wish much longer with Tony Abbott in charge...
It is true that since the season ended, the lack of Nine's team Managers pictures has led me to alternative websites. My Computer now has more viruses than Kerry Katona's minge. I'm sticking to this Site from now on.
This person sounds like a cracking individual, embodying spontaneity, entertainment and exuding charisma. I think you should worship at his feet and thank your lucky stars such an amazing human being graces your everyday life in such a manner. Great people come but only fleetingly and must be treasured while they are around.
Loretta
Dear Swords
My question is about synchronisation
As a boy I was baffled to learn or be told that the Spitfire plane gun would shoot it's guns through it's propellor
I have tried putting my fingers into a desk fan to see if it's possible to insert and retract without getting chopped .. so far I have been clipped each time
All of this leads to a urge to make love to the back of my fridge fan but i am no fool I need to evaluate the risks involved
I know you once had a passion for Nissan Micras and was curious how you had to adapt when you were at your loving?
My question is about synchronisation
As a boy I was baffled to learn or be told that the Spitfire plane gun would shoot it's guns through it's propellor
I have tried putting my fingers into a desk fan to see if it's possible to insert and retract without getting chopped .. so far I have been clipped each time
All of this leads to a urge to make love to the back of my fridge fan but i am no fool I need to evaluate the risks involved
I know you once had a passion for Nissan Micras and was curious how you had to adapt when you were at your loving?
I'm pleased to see such a positive response. So many questions.
Fear not, help is at hand.
About 50 quid a night
You sound like you like to spread the love around? In many open and liberal relationships these days, this is actually quite common, especially I believe among members of the emergency services where uniforms and roll play are de rigueur. I would suggest introducing her to it gradually so as not to scare her. Taking someone up the R's for the first time can be a frightening experience as sometimes there can be a lot of sh*t on display. I would suggest a few alcoholic beverages before the act as that will help reduce inhibitions for what can, on some occasions, be a messy experience. At this stage she will suitably relaxed and will derive great pleasure at seeing so many big balls coming from behind and hopefully plenty of penetration up front.
Enjoy
Women like cleanliness. Vibrators aren't as messy.
This is a recent phenomenon. My inbox has been inundated with this very problem for the last fortnight or so. The reasons for it are unclear but I think it has something to do with a rise in pollen levels.
Have you tried tickling her feet? This can often alleviate women's anxieties and make them more receptive. I would suggest using a feather. It must be a Peacock's feather though, plucked from above the cloaca on the back. Luckily I have some in stock and can be purchased for 69.99 Euro (incl P&P) along with a free copy of my latest book "The Unholy Alliance: Lesbianism and Feminism".
Keep me posted on your progress.
The woman suffers from a rare condition known as Asexuality. She's no longer attracted to men (your friend) nor women (her friend). She's finding this situation difficult and may either have to accept her feelings, in which case I would suggest a career in the nunnery or get Princess Margaret's phone number as there may be a niche for her sexuality after all...
Good luck!
In mineralogy and crystallography, a crystal structure is a unique arrangement of atoms or molecules in a crystalline liquid or solid.[1] A crystal structure describes a highly ordered structure, occurring due to the intrinsic nature of molecules to form symmetric patterns. A crystal structure can be thought of as an infinitely repeating array of 3D 'boxes', known as unit cells. Amorphous (from the Greek a, without, morphé, shape, form) or non-crystalline solid, on the other hand, is a solid that lacks the long-range order characteristic of a crystal. In some older books, the term has been used synonymously with glass. Nowadays, "amorphous solid" is considered to be the overarching concept, and glass the more special case: A glass is an amorphous solid that exhibits a glass transition.[1] Polymers are often amorphous. Other types of amorphous solids include gels, thin films, and nanostructured materials. Conditions permitting and depending on the medium and application required, both work well in a silver copper eutectic.
Have you read my book "Ten ways to make love in a Laboratory"? Paperback available from 19.99 Euro (P&P incl).
Dress him in girls clothes and get him a sex change when he reaches 15 (it worked for me!). Gingerism is more accepted in the female form in these enlightened times.
Sure, no problem.
(1) Epigenetics is a term used for describing the genetic incidence of males being born with an insatiable desire to fornicate in empty churches with elderly gentlemen. The adolescent is in such need that the older man is in fact providing a great social service to the community in alleviating the young man's stress. You might even say its doing God's work (at least that's what my old Parish Priest used to say...).
(2) Who?
(3) Because all foreigners are scared of marine mammals and it is an effective deterrent. The informed voter recognises this and thus supports the party.
(4) I have a phone number for a software engineer. His name is Oddball. PM me for contact details.
Tell her to be patient. There's no room for misty-eyed romanticism in a relationship of this kind. For fu*k's sake, what is it with women and instant gratification? Do they not know Rome was not built in one day???
I would suggest joining a Church congregation of the Puritan type. After a few weeks of mind-numbingly dull lecturing on how not to be happy as well as some good old-fashioned threats of eternal torture for licentious thoughts or behaviour, she should be sufficiently cowed. I know just the man to get in contact with. His name (ironically) is Willy...
Oh and buy her some sandals
Perfectly. Its just a seasonal thing. It will release itself of its own accord in the next couple of weeks and before you know it, you'll be scoring for fun once more.
Take care
You won't have to wish much longer with Tony Abbott in charge...
It is true that since the season ended, the lack of Nine's team Managers pictures has led me to alternative websites. My Computer now has more viruses that Kerry Katona's minge. I'm sticking to this Site from now on.
This person sounds like a cracking individual, embodying spontaneity, entertainment and exuding charisma. I think you should worship at his feet and thank your lucky starts such an amazing human being graces your everyday life in such a manner. Great people come but only fleetingly and must be treasured while they are around.
Loretta
Swords, fair play to you. You cop a lot of stick on here but that post had me roaring out loud with laughter.
I assume you will be making an appearance when the R's come over?
Dear swords. I have an exam at uni tomorrow and asked you a question for preparation for it. Queenslander who knows full well what I am studying put a question up just to show off to me he knows what I am studying. So it was a little disappointing to see his question answered and not mine.
So answer me this instead. Why was it when I was growing up the tooth fairy gave my mste a whole £1 for each of his front teeth. When all I got was twenty p for mine.
So answer me this instead. Why was it when I was growing up the tooth fairy gave my mste a whole £1 for each of his front teeth. When all I got was twenty p for mine.
Swords, I was making love with Mrs P on the snooker table the other night when she suggested I go for the brown rather than the pink. What advice can you give?
Dear swords
On my way to HQ for a match when beautiful girl approached & said do want to make love to me all afternoon or watch rangers, what should do?
On my way to HQ for a match when beautiful girl approached & said do want to make love to me all afternoon or watch rangers, what should do?
Similar thing happened to me.
So I suggested shagging on the pool table.
The next day I caught her shagging my best mate Paul on the snooker table.
I'm pleased to see such a positive response. So many questions.
Fear not, help is at hand (edit)........................................................................................................................................
This person sounds like a cracking individual, embodying spontaneity, entertainment and exuding charisma. I think you should worship at his feet and thank your lucky stars such an amazing human being graces your everyday life in such a manner. Great people come but only fleetingly and must be treasured while they are around.
Loretta
That was absolutely brilliant! Pure comedy that had me chuckling all the way through it.
Yesterday I see was ginger signing day in the Premier League:-
You must log in or register to see images
Jack Colback: Sunderland fans will hate me after Newcastle move
http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/27781037
You must log in or register to see images
Steve Sidwell: Stoke City sign former Fulham midfielder
http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/27769534
Tickle her feet with a feather? Are you havin' a larf boy? She's a Millwall supporter who sleeps with a carving knife on the bedside table, one false move and my giblets would be eviscerated pronto!... 
Dear Swords,
I saw a perfectly looking figure today of the opposite sex. Am I heading for a Big Freeze, A Big Rip, A Big Crunch or A Big Bounce?
Your answer will equally apply to solving one of the mysteries of the future of the universe.
I saw a perfectly looking figure today of the opposite sex. Am I heading for a Big Freeze, A Big Rip, A Big Crunch or A Big Bounce?
Your answer will equally apply to solving one of the mysteries of the future of the universe.
Dear Swords,
I've recently moved into a cheeky little bungalow on Sandbanks. The bloke next door has a full size football pitch in his back garden. He plays there on his own most Sunday mornings. Recently, I've seen him standing in the centre circle holding his ball and in floods of tears, screaming - MY KNEE HURTS!!
I'd like to offer comprehensive advice, though he'll only talk to me through his Range Rover's side-window on his way to work. Can anything be done for him?
I've recently moved into a cheeky little bungalow on Sandbanks. The bloke next door has a full size football pitch in his back garden. He plays there on his own most Sunday mornings. Recently, I've seen him standing in the centre circle holding his ball and in floods of tears, screaming - MY KNEE HURTS!!
I'd like to offer comprehensive advice, though he'll only talk to me through his Range Rover's side-window on his way to work. Can anything be done for him?