Dear Loretta, I have been trying to persuade mrs Totally to sing Oh Bobby Zamora while I give her one from behind. She argues that it would restrict her pleasure because Bobby is not so good looking. She says that she would sing a song about Junior Hiollett, but I can't think of one. Can you help?
Micheal Barrymore asked me to go swimming with him ........Y/N seems a good guy is there anything i should know ??
I have a similar problem but my wife insists on wearing the harry masks seen at Wembley, I want a Bobby Z one. Do I need help?
Dear Swords I still have a V6 Renault Grand Espace to fix marooned in London. It needs a head gasket and i am in a dilemma with Mrs DT who has buried her head in the sand. I want to move on after being stopped visiting the seller and lumping him by Mrs DT who's yoga ethics claim the universe has a way of working these things out.... she claims she will be right as we have sold two outbuildings in France we didn't even want for a nice sum Ebay on side with our case and suggest we get the Police involved and take the seller to small claims court £2600 to fix it with a re con engine or do i spend the money having the gaskets done? 2x3 It's a V6 .... I only paid £3200 for this one with well under 60K on clock and can't find one that cheap with that mileage in the UK ... check if you want. Bloke tricked me but we didn't pay anywhere near the £5,500 they seem to make with that milage So ... Repair and know we have a car that will do a job for us in France or scrap the bastard ... please take note that I have already spent £1000 plus in hire car charges since the QPR final and Renault Grand Espaces fetch great money in France ... in fact i wouldn't get change from 12,000 - !5,000 Euros for the model/spec we have. Note French Renault garages know how to repair these motors but I can't get it there with a head gasket gone. And no I do not want a Ford ... It must seat 7 people in comfort. And yes I should of got a VW T5 ... but the Espace pays for itself very quickly against Hire car charges Repair or despair or just let it all flow and buy another one (donar car)
Dear readers, My problem page has gone viral. It is reaching into every corner of the Globe. I am being inundated with mail from Japan to Burma, from *****lia to Tasmania and from New York to Peckham. The name Loretta has become synonymous with healing and love. Thank you for your continued support Some more problems then: I sympathise with your predicament. I did an African safari once while researching a book (The Jungle in you: Releasing your animalistic desires) and happened upon two Rhinos trying to mate. It was a laborious process and reminded me of being intimate with one of my former partners who was, shall we say, not so pleasantly plump. It took hours for the beast on top to get in a position to "engage" and the noise coming from the animals sounded far from pleasurable. You can then imagine my horror when we were about to leave and I seen the "receiver" of the pair emerge from the grass with a great big 3 foot phallus dangling from underneath him. Perhaps in my youthful innocence I had assumed all four-legged members of the animal kingdom were straight. I suppose with the amount of polo-neck, white socks and sandals wearing American tourists they're subjected to in these parks daily, is it any wonder some of them turn gay? Try sitting in an empty room with a Barry Manilow track on repeat for 24 hours. When you've come through that, you'll be able to do anything. Good luck By all means go back and imbibe the cuisine which you have been offered but beware of sinister motivations behind this supposed goodwill gesture. I think the staff at this establishment are using you as a means of cheap entertainment. They lure you in with the offer of a bit of free grub and then take bets if you will, on this visit, notice the taste of bodily fluids in your peppercorn sauce of your vegetable soup. There was a reason it had the consistency of tacky glue. The staff at these kinds of restaurants are normally young and/or foreign and would generally be Liberal minded. When they chance upon an unmistakable Tory (comb-over, copy of the Times, fake smile) such as yourself, they see it as an opportunity to give you, quite literally, a taste of your own medicine. The only way to avoid this is to try and "Lib up". Shave your head, don't brush your teeth ever again and, if possible, become an alcoholic. You should have no further problems. Both. She is right but you also need a new wife. w**kers have become an oppressed minority. The right to be a pompous, self-serving, loudmouth, showoff, chauvinistic cock is being eroded by aggressive secular liberalism. Your wife is part of this problem and her bigotry and lack of acceptance means shes not the one for you. Leave her and join a private members Golf club. You'll find plenty of like-minded w**kers there who will introduce you to a more compatible suitor. All the best Perhaps this will help her: I will be your Junior if you be my Daddy, Give it to me long and hard and make me feel so baddy, In the hole up and down, pink or brown like Hoilett, I'll not forget how hard you went, when I'm on the Toilet. Best of luck I wouldn't recommend it. Not unless you have a padlocked anal chastity belt doused in snake venom firmly fitted to your nether regions. Even then he'll probably try and drug you and repeatedly bounce your head of the tiled floor of the pool, all the while singing "Wake me up before you go go" at the top of his voice, before you succumb and he Strikes it Lucky. Instead try and get out and meet new people. I'm sending you my leaflet "Feel like you're stuck in a hole? Five quick ways to Lubricate your life" Take care Its an empirical question really. Bobby Zamora is both one and everything. He has a bodily form but also has an intangible omnipresence. There's also a third facet to his being. He is his own father. So there's Bobby the father, Bobby the son and Bobby the Holy Spirit - three but also one, just like a Shamrock. That's it for today. Enjoy the rest of the afternoon and remember, if Loretta says so - its Go Go Go!! Loretta
So in a Buddhist sense, watching OBZ's goal in slow motion is to achieve true enlightenment, a samyaksaṃbodhi transcendence ? That's really deep
Dear Loretta, i have a problem. My body seems to be growing lop-sided, specifically my right arm/shoulder appear to be growing exponentially whilst my left side is staying the same or possibly even withering. I first noticed this happening a few weeks after i broke up with my last girlfriend. Is she a voodoo priestess? Has she cursed me?
Dear Loretta, My good lady suggested that we should be like the celebrities and make a sex tape. This was all well and good but she had to publish it as a 'Vine.' Do you have any tips on how to last longer?
Dear Auntie Loretta, I have a...er, friend that has a concern that...er, he would like to raise with you... He has been dating a lovely girl who has recently moved to this country from Thailand. So far, being British and anxious not to appear too forward, things have not progressed much beyond heavy petting and the occasional dry hump, but he is keen to take things to the next base. Unfortunately, his girlfriend is not so enthusiastic yet and has told him that he must know everything about her before this should happen. She has told him that she has a "big-big seeklet" and is "no weddy" to tell him yet, which has only added further allure to what is already a deeply captivating and mysterious woman. He is nonetheless perplexed and cannot think what this secret might be. He is certain that it cannot be anything that might detract him from his pursuit of this great beauty. After all, she ticks so many boxes and what's not to like? Many of his previous girlfriends have complained about him leaving the toilet seat up, but not this one: she thoughtfully leaves the seat up herself, presumably in readiness for his next visit to the latrine. She shares his love of football, can match him pint for pint and never borrows his razor for her legs as she has her own Gillette Mach One set. Whilst he is grateful that there have been no evidence so far of PMT or other 'lady problems', he is a little concerned that she may suffer incontinence or something, as she rattles out the farts like a trooper and seems to have trouble retaining her stools before she can make it to the aforementioned latrine. If he were honest, the only thing that mildly irritates him is her habit of not flushing away tissues after she's used them; he is always finding them clogged in snot and piled up in the bin. So what I...er, my friend would like to know is this: If he wants to take things to the next level, should he do the decent thing first and get down on one knee, take her big hands in his and ask her to marry him? He tried this once before mind, but, because of the language barrier, she must have misunderstood and when he got down on his knees got quite animated and started to undo the flies on her jeans. Thank you.
Dear Loretta, My best friend Piers is having a real problem with his new girlfriend. He had never slept with her before Friday and after he and Chardonnay (his now ex) had a few too many pina colada's, they decided finally, to consummate their relationship. I'm told she stripped off to reveal a stunning body and sexy black underwear, then proceeded to request that my friend ....'give me six inches and make me bleed' (her own words )......well you can imagine her surprise when he proceeded to shag her twice then knocked out her 2 front teeth. He really needs to ask you......Do you think she just might forgive him ?? Yours in anticipation Staines
Loretta I met the girl of my dreams. She was perfect. Things went from good to great. I proposed. Met her family, the sex is great, she is all the same things I like. We moved in together and I was going through an old box of her things and I found an old chelsea season ticket. I felt nauseated. I can't bear to touch her now. How could she be so deceptive? I want to take the ring back and move out. Am I over reacting? Help
