When the working classes get together, they talk about football... When the middle classes get together, they talk about tennis... When the upper classes get together, they talk about golf... So in conclusion ; The higher up the social scale you get, the smaller your balls are! ILD OTBC
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute. "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you** which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you* press: no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,*date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term*memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. ILD OTBC
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:- Please note.... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep in the spare room tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education. ILD OTBC
Two flies having breakfast, one turns to the other and says, 'am I the only one sick of eating this ****'? ILD OTBC
Result just in from the Finn class Sailing at the Olympics. Britain has manged to capture the Gold Sweden managed to capture the Silver Somalia managed to capture a middle aged couple from Lyme Regis
Attractive young lady sitting alone in a train compartment. Guy gets in, opens up a bag and starts to eat Prawns flicking their heads on the floor, several times the young lady asks him to stop and when he refuses she gets up and pulls the emergency cord, guys says " You know that means a 500 pound fine", she says " When i cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years".
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office......... Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? • My birth date you have on my pension book. • It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. • It is on my National Health card. • My driving license. • My car insurance. • On the last eight damn passports I've had. • It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years. • All those insufferable census forms. • Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!!!!! I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this nonsense! You send the application to my house, and then you ask me for my address!!!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal drips workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for heaven’s sakes. I just want to go and park my backside on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a bother whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell! Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some drip to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally turned off! Signed An Irate Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN PAKISTAN! ILD OTBC
A ship loaded with Viagra is reported as being sunk in the North Atlantic, reports say that when it hit the bottom the Titanic raised itself up! ILD OTBC
Paddy goes into a florists and asks for a bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend for a tenner, the assistant ask's, what are you hoping for that? A shag replies Paddy! ILD OTBC
On our last night on holiday in Tenerife, after 10 flaming zambukas, I managed to persuade the wife to take it up the arse. How else was I going to get 4 cartons of Benson & Hedges home?
My wife has no sense of humour. Last night while she was asleep, I managed to replace her tampon with a party popper.
My wife asked me if i could go to Blockbuster and get 'Scent of a Woman'. I came back with a Fish Called Wanda.
Q: Why do Millwall fans carry lighters round with them? A: Because they lose all their matches! Q: What have Blackburn FC and a three pin plug got in common? A: They're both absolutely useless in Europe. A wee fella hands over a £50 note to the turnstile operator at Pompey - Fella: Two please. Turnstile Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir? Q: What do West Ham fans use as birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How many pompey fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't matter, 'cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway. There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at the Ricoh Stadium then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere... Two peanuts went to a bar in Millwall One was a salted It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal. Someone asked me the other day, what time do Ipswich kick off? About every ten minutes I replied
How do you stop an Ipswich player from masturbating? Paint his pecker yellow and green and he will never beat it.
