Not my intention at all, lets keep any jokes or satire involving politics and or politicians on the politics thread, agree?
Not really, it made me cringe but as I said on the politics thread if one finds it funny then so be it.
Primary School kids writing about the sea. 1 - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2 - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6) 3 - If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 4 - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5 - A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7) 6 - My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5) 7 - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8 - I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 9 - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 10 - When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) 11 - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 7) 12 - On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
But no mention of the Aussie interior designer who gave him the idea please log in to view this image
Turns out all those that accused McCrankie of stealing the 5mil of English taxpayers cash were wrong, she has just found it down the back of her sofa in a brown paper envelope addressed to the save Mc Crankie fund obviously just a case of miss labeled documents, like the 25 lies under oath
I was sat on the toilet last night straining and pushing away when all of a sudden there was a "pop" and everything went black. My missus shouted up to me "There has been a power cut" I shouted back "Thank f*ck for that, I thought my eyeballs had burst
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual, and as he walks away the blind man shouted: "Excuse me! But are you the man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches" The man said, "Yes, that's me". The blind man said, "I think you should know that they went up to 30p last week".
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
recently joined an appreciation society for the pop group hot chocolate and met fellow members for lunch the other day....it started with a quiche
