Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give into his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....No wait.....I'm thinking of Beer, it's f*cking Beer that does that!
What Goes Around
Barry, single and in his 30s is at his cousin's wedding whereupon his Aunt Selma comes up to him and says, "Barry, God willing – soon by you."
A few months later at the wedding of another cousin, Selma comes up to Barry and says, "Barry, God willing – soon by you."
A few months later, an elderly uncle passes away. At the funeral, Barry goes up to Selma and says, "Aunt Selma, God willing – soon by you."
Barry, single and in his 30s is at his cousin's wedding whereupon his Aunt Selma comes up to him and says, "Barry, God willing – soon by you."
A few months later at the wedding of another cousin, Selma comes up to Barry and says, "Barry, God willing – soon by you."
A few months later, an elderly uncle passes away. At the funeral, Barry goes up to Selma and says, "Aunt Selma, God willing – soon by you."
Miracle postman 'died for 21 minutes' and came back to life - on his way to the morgue
A postman who temporarily ‘died’ for 21 minutes came back to life while being wheeled to the morgue.
Joao Araujo, 48, suffered a cardiac arrest at the wheel while taking his wife to work.
After six hours of trying to bring him back, doctors told his family he had died.
Nurses were transporting him from intensive care to the morgue when they noticed he was moving – and tests revealed Mr Araujo’s heart had spontaneously started beating again.
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A postman who temporarily ‘died’ for 21 minutes came back to life while being wheeled to the morgue.
Joao Araujo, 48, suffered a cardiac arrest at the wheel while taking his wife to work.
After six hours of trying to bring him back, doctors told his family he had died.
Nurses were transporting him from intensive care to the morgue when they noticed he was moving – and tests revealed Mr Araujo’s heart had spontaneously started beating again.
Kemerovo Mourns, One Year After Fire Tragedy That Killed 60 People
Monday marked the first anniversary of the deadly Winter Cherry mall fire in Russia's Siberian city of Kemerovo. The March 25, 2018, tragedy claimed the lives of 37 children and 23 adults.
Hundreds of people paid tribute to the victims of the fire over the weekend, with many unable to hold back tears.
Monday marked the first anniversary of the deadly Winter Cherry mall fire in Russia's Siberian city of Kemerovo. The March 25, 2018, tragedy claimed the lives of 37 children and 23 adults.
Hundreds of people paid tribute to the victims of the fire over the weekend, with many unable to hold back tears.
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Pilot lands plane at Edinburgh Airport after getting 'lost' on flight to Germany
A plane destined for Germany landed in Edinburgh when the pilot got 'lost'.
Passengers were stunned when they touched down in the Scottish capital just over an hour after taking off from London City Airport.
The bizarre journey started when the flight took off at 7.47 this morning bound for Düsseldorf.
However, the pilot and crew of the WDL Aviation flight, operating on behalf of British Airways, were given an incorrect flight path, Edinburgh Live reports.
After heading north, it landed in Edinburgh at 9am.
In pictures: The strangest things that have happed on planes (Love Exploring)
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A plane destined for Germany landed in Edinburgh when the pilot got 'lost'.
Passengers were stunned when they touched down in the Scottish capital just over an hour after taking off from London City Airport.
The bizarre journey started when the flight took off at 7.47 this morning bound for Düsseldorf.
However, the pilot and crew of the WDL Aviation flight, operating on behalf of British Airways, were given an incorrect flight path, Edinburgh Live reports.
After heading north, it landed in Edinburgh at 9am.
In pictures: The strangest things that have happed on planes (Love Exploring)
Now I'm intrigued... Unclickable click bait.
What is the strangest thing to happen on planes?
Not a Joke
Still not a Joke
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My fat ex-girlfriend recently got a t-shirt saying, ‘I’m a maneater’…
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!
Note to self…. When your girlfriend says “You can stick it anywhere you want”, that doesn’t include her sister.
My wife wanted something that goes from 0 to 100 in a few seconds for valentines day so I got her a weighing scale .
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."