An office somewhere: January 2017
KJ. "Ah, come in Phil, sit down. Why so sad looking?
PC. " Olá, Senhor Jhoobarian. I no sad, I always look like thees. I love Leaverpool.
KJ. " Oh, ok. Anyway this'll bring a smile to your face. I've just negotiated this big ****-off contract with your club. Take a look at this.
PC. "150 thousan' poun' per week? Ceus acima. Fantástico Senhor Joobychin! You are so kind to me.
Mas... o que é isso? Five year? Oh, I almost 30 by time it finish".
KJ. " You mean you're 24 now? Blimey, I thought you were a young looking 19 or something. Anyway, we had to make it a long contract so that I...., er we, you - could get the big money. What's the problem?"
PC. " Well, ees just that I've always want to play for Real Madreed - or Barshelona, I forget which - but one of them is my dream move, and by the time zees contract is over I'll be old and sheet and they won' wan' me.
KJ. " Don't you worry about that, little fella - as soon as one of them shows an interest we'll get you the move..
PC. "But I weel have sign-ed contract.
KJ. " Listen, you sign a big contract then the buyer has to pay more for you. More dosh for Liverpool, more for you, and most importantly a ****-load for me. No-one gives a toss about contracts - apart from FSG - and no-one gives a toss about bloody Yanks either - they don't know all that much more about football than I do. If they kick off we just say it's too wet in Liverpool, you don't feel at home and you don't get on at all with the manager.
PC. "Is wet in Brasil, too. But I love Leaverpool and Senhor Klopp is always so nice to me. He call me Pheel and after every game he geeve me beeg hug and tell me I do really well.
KJ. " **** 'im.
PC. " And I love fans, and zey is love me, if I go to dream move to Madreed or Barshelona, or maybe even PSG - they no love me. They will make nasty tweet and pull faces at me and make me cry.
KJ. "Look you can handle that, you're a big boy n... well, you're grow... - well, you know what I mean. Think of that other bloke, the one with the teeth - it didn't bother him what people thought.
PC. "Well....ok, Senhor Choochiban, I sign. But if I do get chance to play for whoever turn out to be my dream club in the summer - I wan' move to be friendly and nobody hate me.
KJ.. " No problem. Don't you worry, sunshine. I always get what I want.
You run along now and play and leave the serious stuff to me.
Disclaimer: Some of the above may not be entirely true, and any similarity to real human beings is coincidental.
