Xmas Jokes

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Sorry lads but the answer is NONE

The Poverty Line is drawn at the lowest 10% of the population in terms of income. So all we would have done is increase the level by £1000

Sad but true
 
Sad :(

Anyway Merry Christmas everyone!

(not being flippant but dont want to ruin Garlics thread)



DR, DR, Im scared of Santa!

Im sorry, you're suffering from Claus-trophobia
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

 
the artist known as Billy El Pistolero said:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".
Click to expand...

haha brilliant.
 
Suarezforgoldenboot said:
Office Christmas Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, **** him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Click to expand...

<laugh> Very good. Not your usual style either <yikes>
 
Garlic Bread said:
An elderly man in London calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Click to expand...

Sent that one to a few mates round the world and got some very favourable responses! <ok>
 
On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.&#8221;Jesus Christ!&#8221; he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, &#8220;Now, Joseph, isn&#8217;t that a better name for the kid than Irving?&#8221;
 
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
&#8220;I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
&#8220;Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you &#8216;did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you &#8216;did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you &#8216;do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you &#8216;do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow&#8230;
Love,
Mom.
 
One cold Christmas Eve Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Church this cold Christmas evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'
The boy replied, 'I think I'll give your sermon a miss. If you don't even know your way to the post office, how the **** will you lead me to heaven?'


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Hate Jokes Arsenal

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?


Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice...
 
Suarezforgoldenboot said:
Hate Jokes Arsenal

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?


Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice...
Click to expand...

In that situation, you would have ****ed yourself over there. You'd be better off shooting yourself as the one that remains would be poisoned and savaged to death by the snake and tiger. A bullet is quick and supposedly painless.

Surely the best scenario would be to shoot the snake and tiger and then beat the Arsenal fan to death with the barrel...?

#jokes
 
Christmas is ****. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
 
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