Xmas Jokes

An elderly man in London calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

 

Dribbles, tell us a joke

Saw that one earlier funnily enough GB

 

Gerrez awaits Dribbles' arrival...


GB; heard that one before

 

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Office Christmas Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, **** him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

 

Out of 2.2 billion children in the world 1 billion of them live in poverty this christmas

 

You're like the forum version of the starving Africa ad popping up in every break during Santa Clause 2: Western Decadence!

 

Or really really bad at jokes lol

 

Just keeping it in peoples minds to be grateful

And that ad is always on LFC tv and also at tea time waiting for Simpsons on ch 4 when im stuffing my face with something

 

What do you call an Italian witha rubber toe...?

[nsfw]Roberto![/nsfw]

 

No wasnt meant like that

 

Oh I'm grateful. Genuinely always felt lucky to be born here, in this age....any other era I'd be dead now!

Which is why I will savour my dinner......and quote:


FRIAR TUCK
This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to his bounty by learning about... BEER.

 

If everybody in the country is given a £1000 Christmas Bonus how many people will then be over the Poverty Line?

 

A SQL query walks into a bar.

He approaches 2 tables and says...

"Can I join you?"


...


<sigh>

 

Dont know Dave? It this a trick question?

 

What do you call an Italian reindeer with no eyes

[NSFW]Roberno ideer[/NSFW]

 

I think a fair few would be over the limit Dave.....

 

Poverty is rife here but, compared to some other countries nowhere near as high