Three tampons walking down the street. A regular, a super and a light which one says hello first? None, they're all stuck up cnuts !
Get your new build Persimmon Homes site name by combining the name of the animal habitats you’ve dug up and ruined with the name of something your new house won’t have. I’m Deer Gardens
I said to my wife, that I was maturing like a fine wine. Now, she's laid me on my side and locked me in the cellar.
I've been asked to lay new turf on a field for a civil war re-enactment battle. Sod that for a game of soldiers.
Had a big fight with my wife. I knew she would come crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said; "Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!"
I am starting to get self conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates the women both sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I am not sure of the brand........but it had a distinct peppery smell.
A couple next to me in Pizza Hut were having a furious argument. I don't normally takes sides but I had his coleslaw and her bbq wings.
There’s not much food left on the shelves so today I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I’ve tried crab paste for the very first time. It’s disgusting, I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
