One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. “You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!” So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?” The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.” Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have to make love to me all night.” She replies, “OK then, if that’s what it takes…” Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. “Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies “Isn’t that something”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?”
So this fella got chatting to this girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends. ""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," he assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" He said, "My wife found out."
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an Anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription .. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!”
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Kiwi man had to delete that pic as nipples aren’t allowed. Nor erect cocks or pussies especially not on the same human
Yeah, if you want fannies you'll have to go to the Sunderland board instead. There's also arses and plenty of bollocks.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered: "I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?" She said, "Stansted." "Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
