Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Dumb Criminal
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”
 
My dwarf wife went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
 
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied........
 
Garlic Klopp said:
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied........
Click to expand...

That's shat <doh>
 
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla........
 
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Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”
 
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Jigsawklopp said:
Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”
Click to expand...

That's fairly normal for you, dribs <whistle>
 
Jigsawklopp said:
Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”
Click to expand...
<applause>
 
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