Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A man goes to the Doctors for his test results.
The Doctor says "I'm afraid you've only got six months to live"
"Oh my God no,what can I do Doctor?"
The Doctor replies "Well I recommend you move to Merseyside,marry a fat bird and start supporting Everton !"
"Will that cure me Doctor?"
"No it won't but it'll make the six months seem like a fecking lifetime " .
 
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Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow.

"Wow" said the Presenter "This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated John's Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last Century"

"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?"..... said Paddy....
 
Little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa. . . Dad says, "Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol." Son replies, "She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad. . ? uncle Dave only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle.....
 
A man and his wife went to the zoo.
They noticed the gorilla had got a huge hard on as he looked at the wife.
Her husband says"Lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!"
The ape goes mental.
"Now get your tits out!"
The ape goes fecking berserk!
The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in.
"Now try telling THAT fecker you've got a headache.....
 
Garlic Klopp said:
one for RHC

A man has promised his French squeeze he'd cook up her favourite dish, escargot, to make up for his frequent and lengthy visits to his local hostelry. So he purchased some snails from his local foreign food market and decided to call in at his local for a flagon of frothing ale.

Unfortunately, as usual, one became many as he was once again seduced by the friendly atmosphere, banter and flowing ethyl alcohol. Eventually closing time rolls around and he begrudgingly leaves, with his bag of snails, to face his inevitably infuriated Gallic girlfriend.

No sooner has he opened the gate leading up to his house when he sees, through the window, his missus storming to the front door. He quickly throws the bag of snails to the floor, before his furious spouse opens the door, and, when she flings the door open with fury written large on her expressive froggy face, the man says in a jolly voice:

"Come on, lads, nearly home!"
Click to expand...

<laugh> Frog bitch <ok>
 
Garlic Klopp said:
A man goes to the Doctors for his test results.
The Doctor says "I'm afraid you've only got six months to live"
"Oh my God no,what can I do Doctor?"
The Doctor replies "Well I recommend you move to Merseyside,marry a fat bird and start supporting Everton !"
"Will that cure me Doctor?"
"No it won't but it'll make the six months seem like a fecking lifetime " .
Click to expand...

<laugh>
 
A married man's prayer :

Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.
 
The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?
"After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."

 
When I was younger I had terrible acne, I went to my doctor and said I’ve tried everything - nothing helps.
He said “When I had it, what cured me was wiping my face on the wife’s pussy, try that”.
So the next week I went back and all the acne had gone.
He said “it worked then”
I said “Yes thanks Doctor and I have to say, you’ve got a lovely house”.........
 
I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?” One of them squealed “It’s WALES you bl**dy idiot !!!”
So I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
 
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Two Nuns were cycling through a village when one says I've never come this way before, the other blushed and said neither have I, it must be the cobbles.
 
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
 
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Jigsawklopp said:
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
Click to expand...

<yikes>
 
Jigsawklopp said:
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
Click to expand...
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