Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
-
Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
-
*Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'
*Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
*Does it count as differentiated instruction if I print their worksheets in different colors?
*Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
*What do you call a teacher without students?
Happy
*Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
*Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment!
*Where do door-makers get their education?
The school of hard knocks
*What do you call a teacher without students?
Broke…oh wait, that’s a regular teacher
*Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'
*Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
*Does it count as differentiated instruction if I print their worksheets in different colors?
*Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
*What do you call a teacher without students?
Happy
*Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
*Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment!
*Where do door-makers get their education?
The school of hard knocks
*What do you call a teacher without students?
Broke…oh wait, that’s a regular teacher
*Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "Id like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didnt last year."
A member of parliament from an Islamic party which promoted anti-pornography legislation has resigned after being caught watching porn in parliament.
I was drinking with a dyslexic Thai bar girl who wanted to cook my sock.
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Today's racist joke
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded.
.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear."
.
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers--why not?"
.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
.
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
.
"Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"
She too explains...
.
"You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford any."
.
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit. "..
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded.
.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear."
.
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers--why not?"
.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
.
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
.
"Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"
She too explains...
.
"You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford any."
.
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit. "..
As I slipped my finger inside her hole - I could feel her getting wetter and wetter ! As I took it back out she instantly started going down on me !
I thought to myself - bugger this I need to buy a new boat..........
I thought to myself - bugger this I need to buy a new boat..........
Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
calculator.
At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.'
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
- "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."
Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
calculator.
At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.'
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
- "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."
Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
Should The Britex People Pack Up And Go Home Now That Jeremy Corbyn Will Give His Imprimatur To
The stay campaign?
The stay campaign?
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
three guys on an airplane
There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the atlantic ocean. Suddenly Death apears on the plane. He says"Before I take you all with me 'll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die".
The first one throws a needle. Death goes down to the ocean searching for it. After a couple of minutes he comes back with the needle
The second one throws a hair. Death goes down and after ten minutes he comes back with the hair
The third one throws quickly something and Death goes down again. About an hour later he comes back and says to the guy "Ok you win, I'll let you live.But tell me what did you throw?
The guy says "An effervescent tablet"
There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the atlantic ocean. Suddenly Death apears on the plane. He says"Before I take you all with me 'll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die".
The first one throws a needle. Death goes down to the ocean searching for it. After a couple of minutes he comes back with the needle
The second one throws a hair. Death goes down and after ten minutes he comes back with the hair
The third one throws quickly something and Death goes down again. About an hour later he comes back and says to the guy "Ok you win, I'll let you live.But tell me what did you throw?
The guy says "An effervescent tablet"
There was a question in my Biology test which asked us to, "Draw the female reproductive organ."
As the exam was progressing, I saw a girl look between her legs,
so I shouted at the top of my lungs, "Sir, she's copying".......
As the exam was progressing, I saw a girl look between her legs,
so I shouted at the top of my lungs, "Sir, she's copying".......
At lunchtime today I hopped off my motorbike and went into my local bank.
As I joined the queue one of the tellers said, "Sir, could you pull your helmet off please?"
Long story short, I'm not welcome in the bank any more........
As I joined the queue one of the tellers said, "Sir, could you pull your helmet off please?"
Long story short, I'm not welcome in the bank any more........
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail.
"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.
"I'd say 'neither am I'."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."
"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents.
"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.
"I'd say 'neither am I'."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."
"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents.