Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub...

And the barman said - is this some sort of a joke?
 
An Englishman a Latvian and a Pakistani all walked into a pub.

What a fine example of our multi cultural society.
 
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting

at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one
hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how
good his manners. Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be

done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a
few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters
the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can
draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a
tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your
gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest
roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,

it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
 
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kiwiqpr said:
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting

at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one
hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how
good his manners. Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be

done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a
few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters
the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can
draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a
tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your
gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest
roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,

it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Click to expand...

Often wondered if most Aussies originated from Manchester.

Peace and love, to The Land Of The Long White Cloud.
 
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His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.


"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword inThe Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, .
ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'


And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?


THAT , Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
 
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Holmes and Watson bored of an evening.

Holmes says to Watson, "Fancy a 5hag?"

Why not thinks Watson, drops his pants and bends over.

Holmes comes up behind and suddenly starts rubbing lemon curd over Watson's ar5e.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, Holmes!"

"Lemon entry, my dear Watson, lemon entry!"
 
Treble said:
Holmes and Watson bored of an evening.

Holmes says to Watson, "Fancy a 5hag?"

Why not thinks Watson, drops his pants and bends over.

Holmes comes up behind and suddenly starts rubbing lemon curd over Watson's ar5e.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, Holmes!"

"Lemon entry, my dear Watson, lemon entry!"
Click to expand...
<laugh> That's shocking
 
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