Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from
the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-
famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart
surgeon was waiting for the service manager to
come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey
Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous
surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.
I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put
in new parts and when I finish this will work just
like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and
you get the really big money, when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over,
and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it
while it's running.
 
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I walked into the fertility clinic and the nurse said
“I can already see what the problem is.”
I replied “How?”
She said “You came in the back door”
 
Fred came home from University in tears.

“Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued.

“You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on, and you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one, I reckon. I'm ever so proud of Fred.”
 
This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She becomes frantic and calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.
I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I’m in the front seat.."
," says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven...
 
Two beggars in Manchester, Ali and Habib

They beg in different areas of Manchester ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign....

It reads,

'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
 
The Pope was in England and got into his limousine and said to the chauffeur 'I am always being driven around and I'm getting fed up with it. I am a good driver so please could you let me drive ?'
The chauffeur agreed and the Pope drove. A Police car pulled the limo over and the policeman saw that the Pope was the driver and said 'I need to go back to my car for a second'
The policeman got on the radio 'Sarg, I have just pulled a limo over for speeding.'
Sarg replied 'Issue a ticket, then' The policeman said 'but Sarg, I think that it is somebody really Important.'
Sarg replied 'More Important than the Prime minister?'
The policeman said 'I think so, Sarg.' Sarg replied 'More important than the Queen?'
The policeman replied 'It's quite possible Sarg.' 'So who is it then?' asked Sarg.
The policeman replied 'I don't know Sarg, but the Pope is his chauffeur.'
 
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