How do you make a duck into a soul singer? You put it in the oven until it's bill withers!
Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian says " You'll only lose it"
The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.” A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo
I'm not saying it's rough where I live, but the local shop sells fathers day cards in packs of 5......
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 43 years?"
“Sorry,” God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 43 years?"
“Sorry,” God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
That is not a joke. Leicester did it with odds of 5000 to 1. Liverpool's odd is about 20 to 1.
‘I think the rules are all teams are allowed to win the Premier League, right? Klopp joked when asked if Liverpool could end their wait for the top flight title. ‘So yes, then it seems to be possible.
‘It’s possible, so that’s it.’
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/fo...-fans-dream-Premier-League.html#ixzz4nAnoHeYH
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If we're going into the season thinking anything other than this then something is very wrong.
A pub landlord advertises for a new barmaid and receives applications from three candidates who are all equally suitable for the job. He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same question. "If you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found £10 on the floor, what would you do with it?" The first candidate replies: "I'd place the money in the till. You've been good enough to give me a job and I'm happy with my wage. The money's yours." The second candidate replies: "I would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and that's only fair." The third candidate replies: "I would keep the money. It's a perk of doing such a menial job and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find." Question: So which one got the job? Answer: The one with the biggest breasts.
NEW YORK - A public school teacher was detained today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
just booked a table for my wife's birthday,
I do hope she likes snooker
I do hope she likes snooker