Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
 
Garlic Klopp said:
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: 'Evening Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid sod.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Villager: 'The sheep's a f*cking liar'
Click to expand...

It's an oldie , but a goodie. Zingy and Luv will like it <whistle>
 
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Jigsawklopp said:
So there are these two guys, ones white and the other is black and they are arguing on what colour God actually is. Obviously the white guy says that God is white and the black guy says God is black.

So the white guy comes up with a solution. He says "I know how we are gonna figure this out. We are gonna go the top of Mount Everest and we are gonna ask him ourselves".

So they get to the top of Mount Everest and the white guy shouts out to God "God, what color are you? " And God shouts down "I am who I am".

The white guy says, "See, I told you he was white". The black guy then says "Man, dat dont mean **** dawg, how'd dat prove he white?" The white guy says "If he was black, he would have said I is who I is".
Click to expand...

[HASHTAG]#racism[/HASHTAG]
 
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together.
"Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in."
Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a couple of days. What do you say?"
The devil was reluctant, but he agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter received a call. "Peter, this is Lucifer. Listen, you have to come and get these three clowns. The Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and the Roberts guy has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

 
Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a ****ing teddy-bear laying right ****ing here beside me when I ****ing wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a ****ing train going around the ****ing tree, and when I go outside I want to see a ****ing bike leaning up against the ****ing garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a ****ing dog but I can"t find the bastard.
 
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A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.
The assistant replies "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives."
"You ****ing idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replied the assistant "Look at him; he daren't f*cking cough now!"
 
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
 
This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. "10 camels for your beautiful wife?"
And every time I tell them to **** off, before winking at the wife.
If she is that f*cking beautiful, why the f*ck are they trying to sell her back to me?
 
The Talk DAUGHTER: Mum!
MUM: Whats wrong?
DAUGHTER: I am worried.
MUM: Why are you?
DAUGHTER: Hair is growing here (between my legs).
MUM: Wow! that place where hair is growing is "monkey", so be proud of it.
DAUGHTER: mmmmmmhhh! smiled. sister, hair is growing on my "monkey"
SISTER: Thats nothing, mine is already eating "bananas"
 
Garlic Klopp said:
Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a ****ing teddy-bear laying right ****ing here beside me when I ****ing wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a ****ing train going around the ****ing tree, and when I go outside I want to see a ****ing bike leaning up against the ****ing garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a ****ing dog but I can"t find the bastard.
Click to expand...

<laugh> <ok>
 
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