My mate Dave set me up with a blind date. He said "look, I need to tell you this, shes a great girl but she's expecting a baby". I felt a right twat standing there in a ****in bib and nappy.
My nephew fell asleep at a recent Birthday party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a cock on his forehead. My sister went ****ing mad when she looked in his pram .
A man arrived home, only to find his wife's very attractive sister, standing at the bottom of the stairs in nothing but a see through negligee. On seeing this, he turned around and walked out the front door and headed straight towards his car. Suddenly, the chap's wife appeared from behind the hedge and threw her arms around him. 'I'm so sorry', she sobbed, 'I set this up to see if you would cheat on me but I'm so happy you were the perfect gentleman and turned around and walked straight out the door. I love you so much' And the moral of the story. Always leave your condoms in the car.
Just came back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to sleeping with a lady boy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady and even kissed like a lady. It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed parked the car in the garage first time that I thought, "Hang on a damn minute."
The wife went the doctors this morning with a painful discharge. He asked her to remove her knickers, slipped on a pair of rubber gloves and gave her a good fingering. "How Does that feel now" he said. She said "it was very nice, but its my ear thats the problem".
When I got home last night the wife said I looked flustered?. I said " I know love, dont know whether I'm coming or going". She said "looking at your face I would guess that your going, cos when your coming you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle".
Did you hear about the lesbian who took too much Viagra? She couldn’t get her tongue back into her mouth for over a week
I will never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beatin fast and the excitement was unbearable, it seemed to take an age but eventually there she was stood beside me, I gave her a cheeky wink and said "get the trolley over here love, they're doing three cases of stella for the price of two!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild Look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'.
I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69!
A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. please log in to view this image "I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare. "Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes. please log in to view this image "Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth. please log in to view this image "Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". So the dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later. please log in to view this image "I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound?" .
The Lottery Ticket John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside. The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a ****ing lottery ticket.''
How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education? By renaming it Trump University. What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!" Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts. What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about? All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts. What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra? "The erection is rigged!" What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan? If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up. Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation? Discrimination. How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books? It starts on Chapter 11.
please log in to view this image A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”
