A bloke from Yorkshire goes to a jewellers. He says..... "can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog" ? Jeweller replies......"Aye cocka I reckon I can, dus tha wannit eighteen carat?" Bloke replies " na ya datf get, I wannit chowing a bone !!!"
Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, I was having trouble in the bedroom? So he gave me some Viagra - I can't see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes!!
During labour, the nurse came up to Paddy and his wife and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" Paddy said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name.
Someone threw fabric conditioner at me in Tesco. Didn't see the label but must have been Lenor. It was too close for Comfort
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"
Man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The clerks called 9 1 1 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments, asked the irritated nun? He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect." "Send the bill to my brother-in-law!!..
