Gentlemen, please show this to your better half, for a quiet life. Mens perspective These are our rules which our Ladies need to understand :- Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Boobs are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.
Teacher: "What does your dad do for a living?" Student: "He is a magician." Teacher: "What is his favourite trick?" Student: "He cuts people in two." Teacher: "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" Student: "One half brother and one half sister."
If there's one rule I've insisted on with the wife is that she's never allowed to look inside my safe but being a typical woman she couldn't obey a simple instruction and yesterday she came storming up to me and said "I've just seen inside your safe and you have got some explaining to do! There was £10,000 in cash and three eggs in there, what on earth have you been doing?!" I said "Well, I've got a confession to make. Since we've been married I've been unfaithful to you and each time I've slept with someone else I've put an egg in the safe" She thought for a while and to my surprise said "Well, I suppose after 30 years of marriage three eggs isn't so bad but where did you get the ten grand from?" I said "Well, when I get enough eggs I sell them down the farmers market for a pound a dozen"
I said to the Missus I've got a Problem. She replied "No Babe We have a Problem. We are a couple, we're a Unit"... Your problem is my problem. We are in this together "Over whelmed with relief, I said.... "Well it's hardly worth mentioning now" but She was insistent on knowing, "Darling please what is the problem??....." " WE'VE got your sister pregnant.
Apparently London Mayor Sadiq Khan gets two turds sent to him through the post each week! What I'd like to know is who sends the other one?
