Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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trees up

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A young, fit looking Woman, is walking past a Pet Shop where she notices a Sign in the window :-

"Good home needed for Clitoris-Licking Frog."

The woman goes inside and says to the Shopkeeper,

"I noticed you have a Clitoris-Licking Frog? I'll take one."

He packages up a Frog.

The woman sneaks out the door and rushes home. She gets home... takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to do....

Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.

Put on a very sexy Nightie.

Get into Bed, spread your Legs and put the Frog. Down "THERE"

To her surprise, Nothing Happens.

So, she thought, perhaps the Scent she chose is not appealing to the Frog... So, she showers again... and tries another Perfume.

She gets back into Bed, puts the Frog between her Legs and again,

NOTHING.

She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked.

At the bottom of the paper it says... If you have any problems or questions, please call the Pet Store.
So, she does.

The man behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem"…???

A few minutes later he knocks on the door. He enters and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did"..??

She does.

She showers, puts on the Perfume and the Nightie, gets into Bed... and puts the Frog between her Legs.

NOTHING HAPPENS.

She says, "see, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man looking very concerned, picks up the Frog, looks directly into its Eyes and says,

"RIGHT.. I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS. ONE MORE TIME"..

 

Dianne Abbott hasn't taken the news of her son very well ,

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Cow Economics

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows you name them Abbot and sturgeon
Both are mad.

 

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My Bandit needs an oil and filter change,she can come and do it.

 

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