None Footy - Jokes Thread

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Saw SF in lincoln.....

I've got great respect for the aims of political correctness. For example, I'm going out with a member of a minority.
An intelligent woman.
 
Oh, and to even it out if anyone PC is winding up...a Jo Brand gag, which is also sexist (probably) but funny

"What's the best way to a man's heart?"
"Through the ribcage"
 
i cant put my fave joke on here from his dvd, somebody will take offence <laugh>...some very clever one liners tho...
i wanted to join the debating team at school, but i was talked out of it..
im a one liner comedian, not a story teller........funny how that all started..

ill leave you with this one from Jimmy Carr..
how do you know when your girlfriend is probably a bit young for you? ....................when you have to make the aeroplane noise, to get your c**k in her mouth...<whistle>
 
You seen Jimmy Carr live? His cartoons are...disturbing. Saw him at Grimsby Auditorium, some good acts there...seen RHOD GILBERT!!!! shouting about there too.

If you like one liners....you heard Steven Wright (the american)?
Does anyone else think it's wrong the game monopoly is made by only one company?
I like to go into map shops and ask if the blue bit's the sea or the sky. Or if they have a map in a 1:1 scale.
My friend has a trophy wife. Apparently, for third place.
I married a girl-next-door type. If you live next door to a brothel.
Practice makes perfect. Nobody's perfect. Stop practicing.
 
no, but ive got all his dvd,s....only comedian ive ever seen live is frankie boyle..cant share anything on here, as scooter would be here all night deleting me..<laugh> him and carr are my type of comedians, i like the edgy stuff, stewart francis is one of the few clean stand ups that has made me laugh a lot...

i havent heard of wright, but wil make a visit to you tube shortly..

p.s did i do my deja vu joke yet?
 
djblackandamberarmy-do me a favour love said:
no, but ive got all his dvd,s....only comedian ive ever seen live is frankie boyle..cant share anything on here, as scooter would be here all night deleting me..<laugh> him and carr are my type of comedians, i like the edgy stuff, stewart francis is one of the few clean stand ups that has made me laugh a lot...

i havent heard of wright, but wil make a visit to you tube shortly..

p.s did i do my deja vu joke yet?
Click to expand...

don't know but i think you may have said something about it!!
 
"Try I still have a pony" on Amazon...CDs are so cheap there....
Or Emo Phillips

I love to stand by school gates watching the children leaping and screaming and running.
They don't know I loaded blanks.
 
A 15 year old comes back from school, his mum says you seem....different.

"I had sex today - with a teacher"
"WHATTTT!!! GO TO YOUR ROOM, I'LL LET YOUR DAD SORT THIS OUT"
Dad comes in, shouts a bit, then shakes his hand and says...
"well, I'm in shock. But I guess you're a man now....I feel kindof proud....how about we fire up my bike and we talk about this over a pint?"
"No thanks dad, my arse is still sore"
 
The insurance side of sex:

Sex with your wife..Legal and General
Sex with your future wife.. Mutual Trust
Sex with a prostitute..Commercial Union
Casual sex with different partners..Go Compare
Sex on the telephone..Direct Line
Sex with a lady boy..Confused.com
Sex with secretary.. Employer's Liability.
 
This might cause offence but sod it..

Rabbit and a skunk are talking, skunk asks the rabbit "what are you?" the rabbit replies "I don't know". The skunk says "well you've got big pointy ears, a little bobbly tail and you hop around so you must be a rabbit". The rabbit says "oh I'm a rabbit? What are you then?" to which the skunk replies "I don't know", the rabbit turns round and says "well you're not black, you're not White and you stink so you must be a paki".
 
1000 Views, everyone likes a laugh ;)

Hope eleven men in Black & Amber are having a laugh at Preston at 16:50 this aft!

UTT
 
Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. It was the most violent book he'd ever read...


Interviewer-
''So Stevie, whats it like to be blind''

Mr. Wonder-
'' Not great, but at least i'm not black''
 
Be on the lookout for a new breed of 'Evil Manc' computer viruses that could seriously affect / infect your PC.There are many varieties of this virus, each affecting your computer in a different way. Details of each Variant of this virus are shown below.
The Manchester United Virus - This where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about every thing before 1993.
The Manchester United shirt virus - Designed to drain your bank account This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months.
The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.
The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.
The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.
The Solskjaer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get* into the net often failing completely.
The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem* whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.
The Fabien Barthez virus - You just can't save anything.
Laurent Blanc virus - Makes your Computer go really slow and Creates big holes in your Hard-Drive!
The Phil Neville virus - The worst of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal. Also weakens all communications within the network
Dressing Room virus - Appears when the system fails. Reboot may be dangerous.
 
Movie Test
You may have seen this before :0

Scroll down an do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favourite.

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Pick a number from 1-9

Multiply it by 3

Multiply by 3 again

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was Star Wars exactly right!

So be honest and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. Its easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below.
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
 
Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts...

Dear Jim,

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start. I walked back to my house to find my husband in bed with our babysitter, they announced that their affair had been going on for two years and that they were in love. Can you help me please i'm desperate.

..............


Dear Reader,

The most common caus of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines, if this is not the cause of the problem its usually the alternator.

I hope my advice helps

Regards,

Jim.




*apologies if someone has already posted this.
 
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here and you could have used them" explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow and London performing here" the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said. "Well, we have them and you could have gone to a show " the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned she replied "But I didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam this cheque is only made out for £50.00." "That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad - I was here and you could have done."
 
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